t i a t i a s t a r

2004-02-23T21:46:00.000-08:00

new website... haha, i forgot about this one.

www.xanga.com/tiastar

2002-09-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

i'm satisfied by Your love so compLeteLy
how couLd i thirst for the praises of man?
there's nothing i need that You haven't provided
no one can offer me peace like You can

Jesus Your love is enough
sufficient for me
aLL i have needed, You've given for free
Your love is enough,
don't need men's appLause
i know wut i'm worth
i remember the cross

i'm sustained~

[by everybodyduck]

euny!! i miss ya moocow :)

2002-09-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

i looooooove coLLege!! my suitemates, my roommate, and my fLoormates & my uhh... housemates!! haha they're sooo cooL.. it's awesome cuz we aLL hang out n stuffs :)

but uhhh yea, how am i gonna study when i start cLasses? *shrugs*

hehe, i am soooo gLad my roommate is christian :D cuz this morning, we had separate devotionaLs/bibLe readin' time & we both read matthew [surprise surprise] hehe. coLLege life is fun... but it's aLso a huuuuge test on seLf-discipLine n lah dee dah :)

:) i miss aLL of ya that aren't here in SD :*( the beach is BEAUTIFUL!! we ate dinner with our house on the cLiffs & the sunset was GORGEOUS. ahhh i love sd~ weLL, untiL cLasses start that is :X hehe

the last word is: God
[cuz every good & perfect gift is from above... from Him]
YEA!! peace :)

2002-09-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

camping was so fun :)

we went to portaL forebay.. in the sierras.. & our campsite was sooo pretty. right by the lake :) i love the mountains.. aLmost as much as i love the beach. hehe. the first day, it rained on & off. it was great for fishing though.. we caught a whoLe bunch [i caught the biggest one! hehe woohooo] & ate them :9 it was so much fun having both our dogs there too! hehe we threw choco & atom into the water. atom's a better swimmer than choco :) & it was neat cuz our WHOLE famiLy went.. like my mom, my bro, my dad, me... cuz usuaLLy it's just me, my dad, my bro.. or somethin like that.. but this time, it was aLL of us. & i prayed that the trip wouLd bring heaLing to our famiLy.. it was so awesome cuz that same night, after i did devotionaLs & journaL writing, my dad caLLed a famiLy meeting around the campfire.. and we each taLked about wut each of us wouLd work on... & no one got defensive or anything... & our famiLy is somewhat heaLed now :) esp my parents.. doin a lot better... thank You God. the second day was NICE. so pretty.. perfect camping weather... we hiked up to some hot springs & it was sooo cooL, we found this lil pooL/hot spring & waded around & spLashed in it.. the water was soooo warm & there was this one spot where the water was bubbLing. even choco liked it :D she put her paw in first & then she sat in it, then she just dunked her whoLe body in. it was hiLarious (^.^) i had some awesome devotionaL times there though.. it was sooo pretty... there were soooo many stars.. it was gorgeous.

i read secrets of the vine... SO good.. i recommend that book fo' sho'.. it's so good.. i did some journaL writing up there... most of it was personaL stuffs ;) but this is part of wut i wrote:
"i love You God.. heLp me to show this by the way i live my life.. knowing that love is not a feeLing/ emotion... i think this is a mistake i've made so many times, thinking that love had to be a sensation... a burst of EMOTION within my heart. but love is not conditionaL... it is something we as humans can never quite fathom. i've made this mistake with friends, famiLy, guys i've liked, with You... but by abiding in the vine.. by keeping ME [my heart, my desires] cLose to You and YOUR heart/desires, i'm abLe to love a little bit like You do. unconditionaLLy. not based on feeLings.... my mom just pointed out how many stars there are in the sky.. they're everywhere. i've never seen so many so cLearLy! wow, & to think that the creator of the stars... the creator of aLL beautifuL things around me wants to know me & love me more than i can ever imagine. there was rain & cLouds aLL day.. & was reaLLy windy.. but rite now it's SO cLear. there's so many STARS"~

:) i love being in nature.. aLthough it's nice to be sLeeping in my own bed again & use toiLets that fLush & have a shower... there's somethin about nature & seeing GOd's awesome artistry/creation that totaLLy fiLLs me with peace & awe. i love it :) hehe & it was sooo funny, cuz my brother has this thing with the word "CRAZY".. he uses it aLL the time.. & so my mom wouLd be sooo annoyed, she'd be like STOP SAYIN THAT.. but now, our whoLe famiLy is saying it.. haha like crazy CRAZY.. & on the car ride back home, i busted out with aLL my christian cd's & we were bLasting it so my dad wouLdn't be sLeepy. it was fun.

2 more weeks tiLL coLLege. i'm gonna miss pLaying piano at church... next sunday is my last. i'm gonna miss so many peopLe... but i know i'LL be okay. because God wiLL be with me :) i learned something today at church.. GOD IS NEVER LATE. HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME.

faithfuL One
so unchanging
ageLess one
You're my rock of peace
Lord of aLL
i depend on You..
aLL thru the storm
Your love is the anchor
my hope is in You aLone.

2002-09-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

OMIGOSHHHH GOD IS SOOO AWESOME!!!

i got my roommate info today!! & her name is nichoLe shuck!! she's haLf mexican, haLf german. she's about 5'5" & has dark hair and dark eyes. hahaha & i caLLed her todayyyy.. she's from manhattan beach [20 mins south of LA] and OMIGOSH she's been to hume lake & she went for 6 weeks this summer to russia on a missions' trip workin with kids!!! OMIGOSH AND SHE'S CHRISTIAN... like TOTALLY!!! & we were shrieking over the phone together cuz we've both been praying for a christian roommate!! and we're gonna be total buddies [or at least it seems so] & she's undecLared but she's been considering studying something medicaL/lanaguage-y BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A FULL-TIME MISSIONARY SOME DAY!!! JUST LIKE MEEEEE OMIGOSH!!! but she said she's not too good at science-y stuff JUST LIKE ME OMIGOSH!!!! hahaha & she loves outdoor stuff & wants to learn to surf [we might take lessons together at SD] & loves sports!!!! and she said she laughs a LOT which is totaLLy awesome!! & we both agreed that no guys can stay overnight & she doesn't party much, she's GOOD!! hehehehe & she loves SOMETHING LIKE SILAS [a christian band that i LOVE] and we're gonna go to something like silas' church & we're gonna church hop together!!! & there's sooooo much that we have in common just cuz we're christian!!! and we're gonna totally hang out & we were like "DANG!! we're not gonna study cuz we're gonna be such good friends!!" IT IS SO AWESOME HOW GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS!!! HE IS SOOO GOOD TO ME!!! & we're gonna keep each other accountabLe... we're both cLean.. or at least we don't like dirty slobby rooms... and ahhhh but nothing eLse matteres.. cuz she's christians & she shares my same vaLues/moraLs/beLiefs... & that's AWESOME cuz more than just my "sunday" reLigion... being christian is my lifestyLe!! or at least i'd hope it is... & so this is soooo awesome!!! i say awesome a lot don't i?!?! but it's AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!! & we were like MAN, OF THE 1700-SOME PEOPLE IN OUR SCHOOL, HOW IS IT THAT GOD PUT US TOGETHER?! THIS IS SOOOO MUCH MORE THAN JUST MERE COINCIDENCE.. I DONT BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES. I BELIEVE IN GOD!!! & HE'S SO AMAZING. He not onLy gives, He gives ABUNDANTLY.. my cup overfLows... i asked for a christian roommate, nichoLe asked for a christian roommate... & wut did He give us? christian roommates that share the same passion for missions... & other simiLarities. i'm speechLess. i'm in utter awe.

praise be to God from whom aLL bLessing fLow.

i'm like crying cuz i'm so happy :)

2002-09-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a veryyyyy busy day :) i went to work, a meeting in the park, an anniversary party, & then euny's house! but ahhhhh the anniversary party was for a couple at my church... 25 years! & it was a luau [hawaiian theme]... & tony/gabe were back too!! & it was sooo pretty.. with the water fountains, the torches, pretty orchids & other hawaiian flowers... i got a tea leaf leis!! & this sheLL necklace thingy!! hehe but the ceremony was sooo cute :) the hawaiian dancers danced to christian music n stuff... & AHAHA i won the huLa hoop contest!!! :D that was super funny hehehe... & then i had to leave at 9:15ish... then i went to euny's house!! & we pLayed ming mang mong, mooose, & other interesting games in the backyard!! hehe... yea :) i went to berean's with my dad today!! i love that store. but aiiieee smart me got myseLf grounded from the car for another week!! cuz last nite i was supposed to be home by 10ish to take my bLood pressure medicine, but i came home an hour late... so my mom was soooo worried that something happened to me cuz i didn't take my medicine... gosh these mothers overreact don't they?? hehe so yea.. my dad was like "congrats! another week extension!" so yes, i am rideLess this week again... except for my beautifuL roLLerbLades :)

aiiieee i reaLLy wanta know who my roommate is :X i find out tomorrow or the day after... (shriek)

& tuesday is my last day of tutoring at kumon foreverrrrr... i'm gonna miss some of those kids... dude, you get reaLLy attached... taLkin to them week after week... i'm especiaLLy gonna miss caroLine, kyra, stephanie, & shashank... *the tears weLL up* haha :P i wiLL visit them... but man, i remember caroLine used to be soooo shy & cried a lot... the way i got her to start taLkin was when she was crying & stephanie was hugging her... & i asked her "aww are you crying cuz stephanie smeLLs weird?" and she started laughing... since then, she's opened up SO MUCH.. & evry time she misses stuff on her work, she shows it to me & she's like "look! i'm not crying!" :) and kyra used to ask me for sooo much heLp on her work & then she'd be like "hehehe just kidding i already know how to do this, i just wanted to be with you"... awwwww... so adorabLe... & shashank... man, he's soooo smart but he used to have a reaL hard time concentrating... so we'd pretend that my watch was a spaceship & that he had to hurry up and finish his work b4 the spaceship blasted off.. haha don't ask :X it was fun :) & sooo many other kids... like, you see them improve sooo much in just one year... i'LL reaLLy miss those kids :*)

humpty dumpty.

2002-08-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

hehe i had a fun time today practicing for the anniversary party/church offertory with jenny, sara, & heather :D i went to their house & it was cooL hehe. and today is the one day this week that i can drive :) cuz i was supposed to be grounded from driving for a week but since the funeraL/memoriaL service is today, my dad said ok. haha but he was like "hmm you'LL have to pay me $50 though... cuz it's expensive for me to go back on my word"~ hehe *cough* sure sure (^.~) but oooo if you ever need to get an oiL change or somethin done to ur car, go to the jiffylube near k-mart hehehe... cuz i went there twice this week & the dudes that work there are reaLLyyy funny :D haha.. but yeaaaa, i need to go to the funeraL thingy now :X i dunno the person who died.. or at least i don't THINK i do... but i'm pLaying piano there... i hope i dunno the person :X ignorance is bLiss in some cases... but pray for the famiLy.. cuz it was a father.. and he left his kids & wife behind...

life is but a vapor..
[from the bibLe]

& since life is so short, we don't have the TIME to "wait tiLL tomorrow" or wait for the "perfect moment" to get things done.. do it now.. whiLe you stiLL have time.. we don't have time to argue, hoLd grudges, or add other bitter things to life...

smiLe :) it's contagious. maaan, wut an epidemic!! hehe :)

2002-08-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

wow. today has aLready been such an awesome day... & it's stiLL onLy 10:30am!! hehehe :)

this morning, i checked my emaiL & young sent out her testimony of her missions' trip in mexico. & dude, that just bLessed my socks off :) it was reaLLy neat to hear about how God changed her & used her... & i get to see omi todayyy haha & we get to squeaL/laugh foreverrrr about our oLd engLish notebooks :D hehehe.. & hmmm lately i've reaLLy been struggLing with pride & seLfishness [woops, i just realized, that's not an appropriate word.. "seLfishness" haha cuz i said it once in engLish ap cLass in front of mrs pearson & she gave me this look with one eyebrow up like EHHH??] hehehe but yes, i struggLed with my SELFISHNESS (^.~) & i wouLd keep praying that God wouLd take it away... but mmm i keep forgetting that if i just take the focus off of myseLf & serve God/others first... then naturaLLy, that seLfishness wiLL meLt awayyyy :) & young's emaiL aLso focused my mind back to schooL/studying... like my motivation for aLL of that.. it reminded me that i chose to study med & linguistics for God... to be used in missions someday... & i need to aLways remember that thru coLLege... especiaLLy studying med... cuz it's definiteLy not my strong point.. science, math, etc... but i know that if i study hard enough & stay focused, i can do aLL things thru Christ who strengthens me.

& i'm humbLed into remembering that if ever i "don't like" someone or have negative feeLings toward anyone, it's cuz of ME. does that make sense? like.. they're just who they are... & if i can't learn to love unconditionaLLy, then it's my probLem.. cuz the onLy person i can change is myseLf. if you're reading my jurnoe.. & you see that i ever forget this, pLease remind me :) i forget so often... i need constant reminder. i guess that's why the bibLe says to pick up your cross DAILY.. it's something you have to remind yourseLf to do daiLy & daiLy submit your wiLL to God's and DAILY surrender yourseLf to Him and DAILY cLothe yourseLf with humiLity & love.

draw me cLose to You
never let me go
i lay it aLL down again
to hear You say that i'm Your friend
You are my desire
no one eLse wiLL do
cuz nothing eLse couLd take Your pLace
to feeL the warmth of Your embrace
heLp me find the way
bring me back to You
YOU'RE ALL I WANT
YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED
YOU'RE ALL I WANT
HELP ME KNOW
YOU ARE NEAR

:) whether you know it or not.. beLieve it or not.. care about it or not... God loves you.. much more than words can say... much more than you couLd ever comprehend or fathom. so smiLe :) because the Creator of the Universe.. the God of everythiiing... the Famous One... Adonai... El Shaddai... the ALpha & the Omega... He loves you. wiLL you accept His love? it's reaLLy aLL you need.. so stop searching. His love is free... His love is abounding... generous... never-ceasing... & it's FOR YOU.

2002-08-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

OHHHH WOWWWW BETHEL'S PRAISE NIGHT WAS SOOOO AWESOME!!!

i went to euny's house b4 praise night & her mommy [who is also MY mommy #77 hehehe] gave me gaL-bi [korean ribs] and i was like "oh no no it's ok" but she kept offering so i ate it [which was reallyyyy yummy] and SMART ME spilled on myself!! ahhhh :X but it's ok... hehe :D and then me, euny, eugene left for praise night.. bethel is a korean church too!! and i haven't been to a korean church since i left my old one when i was 13!!! hehehe :D so it was fun :) and then mike was there too!! so b4 the thing started, we aLL hung out & i met some of euny's old friends.. i met one named SARAH who played SOFTBALL at lynbrook!! and yea yea they were cooL :D

but ohhh the praise and worship part was soooooo the best!! aLL the songs were SO fun and SO worshipfuL. hehehe i learned some new songs which were sooooo pretty.. and everyone was sooo friendLy & ahhh it was awesome to be there!! we danced to some songs, jumped, and lifted our hands... it was sooo... WOWEEE :) & geeez the drama with no words... was sooo good... it aLmost made me cry.. but euny WAS crying!! the onLy thing you heard during the drama was music.. but ohh the music spoke sooo much more than words couLd ever have had... so this is how it went: at first it was aLL dark and God [mike in all white with a glow necklace & bracelets] was waLking around.. and then BAM he created light... then he began creating other things... and he saw that it was good.. then he realized something was missing... so he made man... and "God" snapped his finger and man was created [a person with a red shirt] & he got up and "God' began showing man all the things he created... and then gave them all to man to enjoy... and man hugged God and thanked Him.. then Satan [a guy in all black] started to motion to man & started to show him that it wasn't COOL to follow God and all these other lies... so then "God" had this hurt look on his face.. and man is in the middle on his knees... and he's struggling... God or Satan's lie? and he covers his face... unable to decide... and Satan and God are glaring at each other... and Satan decides that since he cannot defeat God [because God is GOD]... he decides to go after what God loves the most.. man. so basicaLLy he decides that since he cannot attack God, he will attack God's creation. and so "satan" raises his hand to strike man, but then "God/Jesus" blocks the way & the music stopped and there was this BAM sound... and right when that happened, "God"'s arms stretched out to form a cross... so it's showing that God the son [Jesus] took the punishment.. and died. then "Satan" was all victorious.. thinking he won.. but noooo jesus came back to life and defeated satan!! and "God" went to man and lifted him up and reassured him... then man, realizing wut God did for him, bowed down to worship God. and he began telling other people about what God did.. and they all bowed to worship God.

it was an awesome skit... i wanta write something like that... all music and actions... and mike mentioned later that y-wam and other christian missionary organizations use these wordless skits in other countries... cuz it speaks in all languages.. and wowww i never realized that... soooo awesome :)

then after, i was gonna go to ccic.. but it was too late.. and then i was gonna go to greg's, but my dad was hungry and he needed a ride home. so i couLdn't go. but ahhhhh stiLL, it was awesome to see euny again :) and to praise next to her!! hehe it was soooo fun :D but yea, it was an awesome experience.. and as i was talkin to euny about the praise night after... i kinda miss some things about korean churches... maybe i'll find one in san diego to go to :)

there is no rock [ROCK!] like our God [THERE IS NO ROCK THE ROCK THE ROCK!!]
hahaha soooo fun :D

God bLess.

2002-08-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

OHHHHH MAAAANNNN I AM SOOO AMUSED!!!

during junior year, me & omi wrote on the back of each other's engLish notebooks during engLish cLass... we used to go crazyyyyy in the back!! but but i found the notebook backs today!! cuz i saved them!!! hahahaha :D

this is wut's written on the first one:
*whisper*ROAR sisters!
*stomp stomp* AHHHH they're coming!
[there's 4 veggie taLe stickers]
"God is bigger than the boogeyman..." & "where is my hairbrush? No hair for my hairbrush..." [and a star sticker]
tia*
omitia & tiaomi: <3 purpLe war heart veterans!!
*one finger pose*smeLL ur hand!*
can i have an order of an icee tomato? or a meLted cucumer?
*crackin our heads off*
Hey Tia!! do you have anything under that?! *nods vigorousLy* LOL!
strawberry/banana slushie treaty
shtop it! stoop it!
umm... this is the back... so~ why are you looking at it?? hehe j/p ;)

you think that was bad? this is wut's written on the second one:
We are cannonbaLLs from South Africa where our squishy tribe originated.
*fLashlight* It's lightning! noooo... mine is better! [and a picture of a lightning boLt]
tiaomi has piLLow-phobia & omitia has chair-phobia.
puddy buddies [with a stick picture of us]
underdog
scaudio-dawwg & jerachaeLy1-dawg
whisper roar sistaz 4ever
d.a.w.g. & f.r.o.g.
torture twins
sene kjevins <~~ wut a hottie!! hehe jk
a.s.a.p.~always say a prayer
omi & tia's personaL profiLe: retarded mentaL idiots (^.^)
S.O.L. & C.O.L.
WHAT'S THAT FUNK YO?!
wait! oops... it's ME! :X
HO EM!!
[some winking dude making a peace sign with his fingers]
lalala
but i don't like using straws from donkey's cabooses :T
lalala
omi took a bite out of the pLatano!! [with pictures of a fresa, platano, uva, manzana]
*muahaha* tia's mommi gave her a PLATANO for lunch!! :D
WASH~
garbage [with pictures of fLies around it]
ICEE STAR HUT
JABBA THE HUT~ ohhh baby!!
when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade!
we are in the light [with the dc taLk lyrics under it]
omi & tia IN THE HOUSE! *snap snap STOMP cLap cLap*bang the car* REPRESENT! "My name is tia, i am fria, i don't eat sandias, & i like to ski-a!"
chiLi's baby back ribs... i want my baby back baby back baby back ribs.. BARBECUE SAUCE
BABY GOT BACK
*points to a tia*points to an omi*one-finger pose*smeLL ur hand* 10-finger wave*point 2 sky*saLute*hippies*
PLEASE COME AGAIN!

hahaha & imagine this in aLLLL different jeLLy roLL coLors!! soooo beautifuL.. i aLways wondered wut mrs. parker [our engLish teacher] thought of us when we turned our notebooks in!! hehehe ahhh junior year was both the best of times & the worst of times.. hahaha GEE THAT PHRASE SOUNDS FAMILIAR! okie, i was amused in finding this whiLe cLeaning my room out :)

FRIENDS SWEETEN LIFE.

2002-08-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

wowww today was sooo fun :) weLL i had the usuaL tutoring & stuffs but youth group was FUN!! hahaha

i was taLkin' to heather today about goin to get some ice cream during smaLL group time [hehe i can make those kinds of random decisions cuz i'm the smaLL group leader for our group!! yea!!] so i was pLanning on taking my girLs [heather, shana, naLisa, naLinette]... & i was taLkin to bre about it [who is aLso a smaLL group leader] & WOOHOO our groups joined together today & we went to COLD STONE [sooooo yummyyyy!!] & chiLLed there & had our smaLL group time for the last 15 minutes outside!! hehehe. oh man, it was sooo hiLarious... so the group that joined us was bre & jessica. oooo so much fuuuun :D we were laughing about EVERYTHING.. i think it couLd aLso be cuz the ice cream was loaded with SUGAR but oh wow. so fun :D i love bonding. and oh oh heather & i are spending a day together sometime next week which i'm totaLLy looking forward to!! :) she's my lil buddy.. even tho she's technicaLLy taLLer than me :X hehehe. but yes, youth group today was awesome :)

ooo i can't wait tiLL this friday!! hehe i get to see euny again!! weLL... i saw her saturday night from 10:30 tiLL 12:30am :D hehe cuz i went to hang out with her for her last night in town.. and then mike & his lil sister came!! hahaha i love her shoes!! (^.^) but we were chiLLing & then ed/char stopped by!! AND I GOT THE COOLEST GIFT FOR MY DORM ROOM FROM ED!!! hehehe it's this star lamp thing... weLL it's a star with thin paper [YELLOW SO IT WILL MATCH MY BEDSHEETS] & the buLb is inside!! and yeaaaaa it's going in my room!! thanks edna!! & yea.. then the next morning, i woke up earLy before church & went by euny's house again!! hehehe & her grammy made us french toast for breakfast!! & eugene was pLaying video games.. and her aunt/uncLe stopped by!! yeaaa quite interesting :D but yeaaaa we're hanging out this friday... so this friday, i tutor my lil cousins, then go to teach bibLe lesson at cLub, then watch my lil cousin's pLay that she's the co-director of, then i go to betheL with euny to watch mike in his pLay & sing some praise, then go to ccic for the senior send off!! YAHOO i can't wait!! :D fun fun.

ahhh yes, friends sweeten life :) that's for sure. it just makes me think how hard it's gonna be to leave everyone.. but that's ok cuz i'm not so meLanchoLy about SD anymore :) cuz i met some cooL peopLe at orientation & haha i can hang out with dave/leo/gordon :X if they don't mind :D hehehe. but yeaaa right by the beach... i'm gonna be doing my qt's at the beach (^.~) i hope i get a room with an ocean viewww... that'd be sooo perfect... & if i get a cooL roommate too... even more bLissfuL.... mmmm & i must say brothers [in Christ] are the cooLest!! hahaha mad props to dan mats, dan chin, jon, mike, & edna!! yesyes, you guys are quite... mmm... interestingLy interesting... *grin* :D hehe

BUT I MUST RESUME CLEANING MY ROOM NOW SO I MUST STOP JABBERING ON AND ON.

this is worLd news tonight. i'm tia. & goodnight.

muahaha :D i used to wanta be an anchor... ahhh then reaLity hit :X haha jk

2002-08-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

wut a happy day :)
i'm finding joy in the simpLicities of life.
nothing reaLLy spectacuLar happened today
but it's just a happy day :)

yesterday i saw becca whiLe i was roLLerbLading... & wowww taLk about God-appointed meetings... i was feeLing reaLLy ugh cuz i just had a fight with my mom, so i left the house to go roLLerbLading... & the onLy ppL i wanted to see were euny, becca, or omi. but euny was in SF & i thought becca/omi were on the ccic retreat... so i was aimlessly roLLerbLading around, not wanting to go home. so i was roLLerbLading around & was about to give up and go back when aLL of a sudden, i see becca puLLing out of her garage.. YAY :D i was feeLing sooo drained & tired & bLeh... & there was becca!! yayyyyy, so i went with her to church to heLp with the lil kids.. which totaLLy made me feeL better. & i got to hang out with jess/danchin/jack too!! yahoooooo (^.^) ohhh man, sooo funny... i was teLLing one of the kids' parent... a man who was reaLLy nice... the words that i learned how to say in chinese. & i was like saying "zwo ni de gong ke" [do ur homework], "ni hao" [heLLo], etc... and then i was like "ohh & i know 'wo shi hwan xingxing!!" [i like stars] except i said "chingching" instead of "xingxing".. so i guess it sounded like i said "i like to kiss" or " i like kissing" or SOMETHING like that... & he had this look on his face like HUH?! & becca/jack were laughing sooo hard... and then they toLd me wut i said... so then the next time i said it, i said xingxing.. but it sounded like monkey? cuz i guess it depends where you put the accented or stressed thingy. aiiii :X but it was sooo fun. hahaha & jack!! wut a weirdo!! he waLked to the door, stuck his head out & was like "chicken pot pie!" & we were like WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?! hahaha it was quiet interesting :)

tomorrow berk-heads leave!! ahhhhhhh :X taking my friends away from me.. esp euny... aiiiieeee!! :P

my hope is buiLt on nothing less
than Jesus' bLood & righteousness
i dare not trust the sweetest frame
but whoLLy lean on Jesus' name
ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND
ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND
ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND

2002-08-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

in 3 days, the berkeLey monster is going to snatch my best friend away from me :X
it's okayy though. i have a pLan.
whiLe the monster is asLeep, i wiLL rescue euny.
& take her to san diego with me
where the monster wiLL never suspect to find her.
but shhh.. don't teLL anyone.
especiaLLy not the horrid berkeLey monster.

:) i made a pact with my mom today. i hope it lasts. cuz ugh, we fight soooo much... i get irritated, she gets yeLL-y... it ruins my day, it ruins hers. & it's my fauLt too.. for not being humbLe enuf & for being so seLfish... aLways looking at me [saying my mom hurt me, my mom did this to me, my mom did that to me] & my own pains... rather than looking to the pains she must be feeLing too. so like 10 minutes ago, the idea just popped into my head.. that i didn't want to fight with her anymore. haha boy, i'm so cLever :X hehe. so yea, i sat in front of her. & said "let's make an agreement. from now on, we don't fight.. we taLk things out. & we onLy say nice things, no mean or hurtfuL things".. and this smiLe kinda crept over her face.. and she took my hand & shook it. but then she started to say "but there's too much you don't understand"... which eh, i guess is true :P but i remember when i was little.. my mom was like "when you grow up, let's be friends ok? let's taLk & hang out together"... and i said "ok mom"... that's how it shouLd be. parents & their kids shouLdn't be enemies... avoiding each other... impatient with eachother... & it's sad how sometimes we're so afraid to just love... i guess cuz we think it makes us weak & vuLnerabLe... i guess that's true in a sense. there's no waLLs around our hearts when we love & receive love... so our hearts are more susceptibLe to being hurt... but life is more fuLfiLLing without those waLLs... without that hard crust around our hearts. hearts are meant to be soft... like soft soiL... ready to pLant new reLationships, ready to accept the seeds of love & to harvest love... whose fruits are joy, kindness, patience, etc... & uLtimateLy, soft soiL can easiLy uproot the weeds of our lives... & provide nutrients for the crops that we want to grow... a heart that loves like God loves.

i got the new michaeL w. smith worship cd. so good :)

coLLege is coming so soon.
i don't know whether i'LL receive it with open arms
like one greets a friend
or if i'LL shun it & try to cLing to wut's gone
like one eyes an enemy

but Change... ahh that inevitabLe, reoccurring "thing" of life.
we run from it sometimes
unwiLLing to accept it
like we run from a doctor
who gives us shots & medicines
yea... it hurts sometimes
but uLtimateLy,
it can be for the best
it can heaL
it can restore
what was lost
or can bring
what never was
Change.
friend or foe?
hmm... depends on the person who greets it i guess :)

2002-08-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

i hate how continuaL hurt can sLowLy turn to bitterness & coLdness.
i hate how weak we are... how we think that being pridefuL & bitter is being strong.. when reaLLy, it's being weak.
i hate how i'm more incLined to echo back hurtfuL things than to forgive & hoLd my tongue.
i hate how i bLame everything & everyone except myseLf.
i hate how my heart knows one thing but my mind does another.

sometimes i just wish things were easy.
but deep down i guess i know
that this is wut
makes me grow.

these experiences
shape
who i am.

i can bitterLy fight my circumstances
& hate everything about it
& bLame it for making me
feeL like a monster...
& then reaLLy eventuaLLy become
a monster.

or

i can humbLy accept my circumstances
& fix my eyes on God's timing
& love those around me
even when loving is hard to do...
& then aLLow these circumstances
to grow my heart
& become a woman of God,
loving & strong.

i stumbLe so many times.
my hand inside Your hand.

2002-08-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

hehe just some interesting stuffs :)

See which Greek Goddess you are.

What is YOUR Highschool label?

2002-08-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

i think i'm becoming weaker.
i can't take so much pain anymore.
before, no matter wut happened
i couLd aLways muster a smiLe
& act like nothing happened
& be cheerfuL.
now it just affects my whoLe day
my mood
my attitude
my everything.
i guess this couLd be a good thing
cuz b4 i wouLd shove aLL the pain away
& ignore it.
but now, i feeL the burden of it
the load of it
aLL on my heart.

"come to Me aLL you who are weary & burdened, & I [God] wiLL give you rest"~

but it amazes me
how bLind ppL are.
how contradictory
their words can be
from their actions.
how the same heart that is abLe to love
to an amazing capacity
can aLso hate
to the same capacity.
how a mouth that can bring forth
such love, wisdom, & encouragement
can at the same time
tear down & hurt
those who listen.

i like the lyrics to this jars of cLay song caLLed "He"...

Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead
The pain when it grips me, for things that I've done

Well I try to make you proud, but for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you've laid don't speak a sound
Don't take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down

..don't you love me?..
Then why do you hurt me?
Well I try to make you proud, but for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrow of angels on high
For the least of the helpless, the hopeless, the loveless
My Jesus, His children, He holds in His arms

He loves you
He sees you
He knows you
protects you..
He hoLds you~

d o n ' t t a k e
m y h e a r t
a w a y f r o m m e ~

2002-08-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

ohhhh wowwww this past weekend was the best i've had in the longest time!! major props to the bday ppL, becca & adam, who made it aLL happen. their bday/paintballing/beachcamping/boogieboarding trip was the bestest :)

on friday, we paintballed. ohhh it was sooo hot. i was kinda scared at first cuz i saw weLts on my brother's back the last time he went & when ppL were practicing their shooting, i was like dang, that thing traveLs fast. but it was reaLLyyyy fun. i got shot sooo many times!! haha but i got shot more in the beginning cuz i was never watching my back.. & then later during the game, i got a lil braver... i got shot in the head, the arm twice, my back, leg, & owwww my coLLar bone. hehehe. not as painfuL as i expected it to be. i surrendered once to justin.. but man, it was scary cuz i was like "ahhh ok ok i surrender!!" but i was aLL panicky so i started shooting as i was surrendering hahaha :D i dunno if i ever hit anyone but the onLy time i recaLL getting my target was during the last shootout when justin ran up behind becca & toLd her to SURRENDER.. then i started shooting him. but it was sooo funny cuz becca was turning around to surrender, but justin thot she was turning around to shoot. so he shot her in the booty at a REALLY cLose range. hahaha it was hiLarious :X

after that, we went to the "sausage" market haha & got drinks. then there was some miscommunication so some of us went to the beach whiLe others went to the campsite to set up. but i went boogieboarding and the waves were just ok.. not too great.. but it was stiLL fun :) back at the camp, me/danmats/bing pLayed threw a basebaLL around b4 dinner.. but we didn't know ppL started eating, so we had to wait whiLe another batch of dinner was being cooked. after dinner, we pLayed footbaLL on the beach. ohhh geeez, euny is a monster at that game!! haha evry time gene tried to throw me the baLL, she'd charge me. oh wow :X hehehe. oh wait, did i say "gene"? i meant CATWOMAN. haha. then it got reaLLy dark, so a bunch of us just layed on our backs on the sand & stargazed. we onLy knew sooome consteLLations but in the end, some of them started making up random consteLLations. there was the Liz Ho, Gordon, & David Ko/Octopus. haha jason made up Liz, and Adam made up the last two.

oh yeaaa & dan mats stoLe my beanie!! so i tried to take his.. but in the process, my naiL dug into his hand & in the dark, aLL we saw was this big dark spot.. so i thot i totaLLy tore his hand up :X SOWWIE UVA!! but ahhh friday night was the cooLest... we were on the beach tiLL 2ish in the morning.. & there was a bonfire thing.. we ate & chatted.. jon was pLaying his guitar, david was entertaining us with his stick haha.. and oooo the water was warm at night.. i was standing in the water chattin with mike when this huge wave comes & my shorts got wet.. & it was reaLLy coLd.. so i had to change into sweats hehe. & danchin toLd me this awesome anaLogy about the ocean waves... he said it's like GOd's grace.. cuz let's say you make a HUGE mark on the sand, the waves aLways come back & wash away the mark tiLL there's no trace of it. so the mark in the sand is like our sin/mistakes we make.. but no mark is too deep or too big that the waves can't eventuaLLy can't wash it away. nifty eh? :) i thought so too. weLL after, there were onLy about half of us left on the beach, & geeeeez i was sooo coLd. so we headed back... whiLe washing up, me/daphne/becca/bing started taLking... & we were taLkin for quite a bit.. cuz then after a whiLe, it got reaLLy late.. like 3am? & jason brushed his teeth & we aLL went to sLeep. hehe.

i woke up at 8am automaticaLLy... i can never sLeep in anymore aiieee.. & it was kinda hot in the tent cuz i was in between daphne & becca.. pLus the sun was warmin things up. i feLt reaLLy icky cuz i had sand aLL over me.. but saturday was fun :) at first, it was just me/euny/eugene boogieboarding but later, shane & bing found us & we boogieboarded with them too.. pLus, becca did too!! she was like "are you trying to get me addicted [to boogieboarding]?" hehe but becca, i knowww you had fun.. untiL the last wave :D hehehe. there were DOLPHINS not far from shore jumping around & lots of seaLs & jeLLyfish!! but ohhh the doLphins were soooo cute!! i saw the fins at first, so i was freaked out.. cuz i thot it was a SHARK but it was too joLLy to be sharks.. doLphins are my fav animaLs.. them & puppies :) hehe but yea, we boogieboarded for like 5 hours totaL... so fun but seaweed everyyywhere.. nasty stuff.. cuz it got aLL in my swimsuit too... it's worse than sand. ohhh & i put sunbLock evrywhere except my BACK... ohhh i am sooo burnt back there... hehe & finaLLy my arms are sore... i'm tired stiLL. hehe but ahhhh wut a great weekend. super fun.

friends sweeten life.

2002-08-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

today is my parents' 20th anniversary.

wow.

hmmm last night was reaLLy cooL. aLL of a sudden i feLt this huge burden for my parents... i wrote them each a letter... i didn't send it to them yet tho... but i was feeLing reaLLy... drained & just reaLLy burdened... but man, euny is seriousLy the bestest friend everrrr. i drove to her house around 9ish & i was feeLing reaLLy.. i dunno, can't describe it... it's like this tired feeLing after being sad... & we sat in "my" car with the sunroof open & stargazed & mostLy sat in siLence... with lil taLk & then ended with prayer. it was so totaLLy awesome. she had aLL the right words to say to me... she didn't say much, but when she DID.. it was exactLy wut i needed to hear. thanx euny :)

ooo & i saw a shooting star too.. weLL a particLe faLLing into the earth's atmosphere.. haha wutever :) somethin like that.. it was stiLL pretty~

today i'm feeLin' a lot more AWARE of the things around me... i think i'm reaLLy seLfish... & i onLy notice things reLated to me... and my life is just miserable when i'm like that... but when i look to the needs of other ppL first.. make myseLf THIRD.. God first, others second, me third... everything faLLs into pLace better. i've started reading the bibLe in the mornings rite when i wake up & b4 i sLeep now... i'm stiLL in mid-genesis... but i wanta read it the whoLe way thru... i've never done that b4.. mostLy just skipped around & read... but yea, even if i wasn't christian... i wouLd think the bibLe was awesome.. lots of things we can live by.

& at church on sunday.. our pastor gave a quote by c.s.lewis that taLked about how lots of times ppL think christianity is nothing but a bunch of ruLes... & at first, it seems like that... but the quote goes on to say that when we have this totaLLy cooL reLationship with God that we aren't even thinking about the ruLes.. & wutever ppL caLL goodness, we don't caLL it anything at aLL... it just comes naturaLLy... & we don't notice because we're too busy looking at the Source from which it comes. i thought it was reaLLy neat :)

i bought a boogieboard yesterday :D i'm sooo excited. can't wait tiLL the beach camping trip. 2 more days.
& i'm stiLL debating whether i shouLd get new wheeLs for my roLLerbLades or totaLLy new bLades.. hmmm much to decide. hehe.

famiLy famiLy famiLy. i'm learning that famiLy is there to teach our hearts to love unconditionaLLy like God loves us... famiLy is there to heLp us grow our mind, souL, & capacity to forgive & be forgiven... famiLy can be so broken... famiLy can be so united... famiLy can be so... famiLy can be famiLy. no one & nothing can hurt you like famiLy does sometimes... but then again, no one & nothing can make you as proud as famiLy, or as loved as famiLy, or as.. beLonging i guess. peopLe aLways want more than wut they have. i shouLd be lucky my parents aren't divorced.. that they love me... that they're aLive. hmm... i hope i aLways remember the things my parents did/do that hurt me.. even if they don't mean to hurt me... & i hope i take that memory... & hoLd on to it when i have kids of my own... so i can try not to hurt them. it's amazing how quickLy we forget, isn't it? & it takes a lot to remind us.

i can't wait to go to the beach.. stargazing on the beach... i hope it's not cLoudy... & the waves... sand... can't wait.

:) God, You are the best thing that's happened to me.

any suffering i go thru... any humiLiation or bLow to my pride... i can withstand aLL & anything... if it wiLL show others that there's something more than human going on inside of me.. if i can show that the love i receive/give is beyond any love that a human can give... aLL things i can endure because of God's grace.. His AMAZING love that pours into my heart. & overfLows.. when i open my heart to Him.. He pours love into my heart... then my heart overfLows... the love that overfLows is the love i show others... that's why my reLationships with others are improved when i'm cLose to God. the patience He pours down on me aLso overfLows... & overfLows into the lives of those i know... so you see, any good that's in me is from above.

the last word is... l o v e .
[love is patient, love is kind, love is not jeaLous or boastfuL; it is not arrogant or rude. love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritabLe or resentfuL; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. love bears aLL things, beLieves aLL things, hopes aLL things, endures aLL things]

2002-08-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

survey taken from euny's diary :)

Name: Letitia [but most ppL caLL me "tia"]

Gender: a girL.. i think hahaha

Zodiac Sign: libra

Birth date: oct.4,1984

Height: SEVEN FEET... minus a few feet... haha 5'1''ish :*( i was not bLessed by the height fairy

Color: lavendar.. or paLe yeLLow

Color to Wear: doesn't matter... but i like beach-wear.. lots of biLLabong, o'neiLL, roxy, etc.

Number: 3, 7, 25 [but onLy cuz 25 is barry bond's number]

Piece of clothing: my hooded, beige-ish GAP sweater... soooo soft

Quote: gosh.. sooo many... but the two that are reaLLy on my mind lately are: "who you are speaks sooo loudly i can't hear wut you're saying" by emerson... & one of my own "i have to learn to separate who a person IS from what they DO or SAY"... yea... but there's sooo many quotes i love...

Do you have b/f or g/f: hehe no, but i'm TAKEN.

Last Time You

Showered: this morning

Danced: wow... i'm sure i skip around & do funky stuff for fun sometimes.. but dance dance.. probLy senior baLL :X

Smiled: NEVER. hahaha :X jk.. umm i smiLed exactLy 1.4583907 minutes ago.

Laughed: 1/2 an hour agO

Had a phone call: 45 mins ago

Who was it: my mommy.. caLLing me at wOrk

Which is Better

Sunrise or Sunset?: sunsets are prettier... but sunrises symboLize better stuff :)

Sweet or Sour?: sweet

Old or New?: both

Hot or cold?: hot [haha hot so i couLd go to the beach..]

Coke or Pepsi?: neither... i like SOBE or jamba juice

Yesterday or Tomorrow?: ahhh... yesterdays are bitter & sweet... but tomorrow... tomorrow is a mystery.. i dunno

Red or Blue?: boo :)

Blind or Deaf?: awww.. not to hear someone's voice or not to hear music.. or not to enjoy the sunset or the stars... aiiieeee can't i just lose my sense of taste.. haha

Bath or Shower?: bubbLe baths.. but showers.. cuz in baths, it's like ur sitting in ur own dirt water :X

Black or White?: white.. cuz i like snow :D

Ocean or Forest?: ocean

Dogs or Cats?: puppies :)

Day or Night?: night.. cuz i love the stars

Cremation or Burial?: who cares! it's aLL about where the souL is goin'!! (^.^)

Even or Odd?: odd

City or Countryside?: countryside.. i like the outdoors :)

Vanilla or Chocolate?: vaniLLa.. but for some reason, i reaLLy like chocoLate when i'm hungry :B

Sun or Rain?: i love the sun.. but i aLso love hearing rain pattering on the roof when i'm sLeeping

Pen or Pencil?: geLLy pens

Summer or Winter?: summer

Yes or No

You keep a diary: yes :)

You sketch or do things while on the phone: aLL the time.. ask euny, she knows my phone habits :X

You have a secret: OMIGOSH YEA. WANTA HEAR ONE?? TOO BAD (^.^)

You snore: naw. but i think i do when i'm reaLLy tired or when i'm sick :X

You talk in your sleep: zzzz... no i don't taLk in my sLeep... zzzz...

You eat fast: i try not to :X cuz i heard it's not heaLthy

When the alarm goes off you immediately get up: no... my amazing body has been trained to sLeep for 15 more minutes & then to automaticaLLy wake up after :D hehe

You enjoy being photographed: sure, if i'm in the mood for breaking camera lenses (^.~)

More Basics

Right or Left Handed?: right hand.. aLthough i wish i was a left-handed batter in softbaLL

Parents -- married, divorced: married... but mmm.. not a happy topic there

Hobbies: roLLerbLading, boogieboarding, skateboarding [onLy at skateparks.. sooo fun], softbaLL, i looove reading, piano, writing [poetry, creative writing, etc], art [sketching mostLy]

Favorite ice cream: ben n jerry's oranges & cream

Hygiene Habits

Shampoo used: one that's gOod at cLeaning

Conditioner used: one that smeLLs nice :) weLL, to me

Styling products used: hairbrush. that's it. i'm so lazy when it comes to hair.. i just brush it & that's aLL :)

Makeup: hmm maybe some eye stuffs.. but not if i'm gonna be pLayin sports

Deodorant brand and scent: woops.. i haven't used deodorant since i stopped pLayin softbaLL :X i don't think i smeLL bad though..

Nail polish -- yes or no?: i have a funky naiL poLish habit... i put it on & wait for it to aLLLL chip off on its own or i peeL it when i'm bored.. then i put more on :D

Sing in the shower or not?: i used to a LOT.. but now... most of my singing/taLking goes on in my mind..

Dress Habits: tank top, shorts, fLipfLops

Miscellanous

What's on your answering machine?: no answering machine :D

What is the coolest gift you've ever received?: jesus christ [from God] :) but from a PERSON... probLy from dan chin... this journaL thing he made with some pictures & quotes n stuff... i like gifts that are hand-made...

What's the coolest gift you've given?: wrote a song for jamie, my "lil sis" :) & it was a HAPPY song.. but she started CRYING!!

80. Have you sent or received flowers in the past year?: yeaaaa... my favorites were the yeLLow roses my aunt gave me for my bday & the lavendar one from migueLito! [they dried reaLLy niceLy.. i loooove drying roses.. esp yeLLow ones]

Assuming you have one, what's sitting on your computer moniter: my bOombox, some leis, an autographed ken griffey jr baLL, barry bonds' bear doLL, a sticker that says "pray hard", & a smaLL bear angeL [poor computer monitor...]

About how many books do you own?: SOOOOO MANY i love books. i gobbLe them up.

About how many of those have you read?: aLL of them... at least 283805 times each :)

Do you collect anything?: dried fLowers, books, star stuffs, cLassicaL pooh stuff

Do you own a calendar or date book? Do you use it?: i use microsoft outlook a LOT

When you're jotting down notes, do you print or write (cursive)?: i scribbLe..

When you doodle, what do you draw? stars

Have a nice day! errr.. okay! :)

2002-08-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

hmmm i wish i was cLose to my mom.. i wish she was christian too. hehe, random thoughts :)

but yesterday was soo fun.. euny came over & we drove to berean's christian bookstore [aka, berena's house!! hahaha] & ahhhh they have suchhh cute stuff in there. but i onLy brought $20 cuz i was tryin to have some seLf controL... but we bought these braceLets that say "taken" & then it has a heart with a cross in it... too bad it's like BRIGHT PINK!! hehe but it's aLL good... & i bought 4 posters for my dorm room!! i have a theme goin here... wooohooo (^.^) & i'm takin ALL my dried fLowers down with me to put on my waLL n stuff. hehehe. and we were there for a coupLe hours i'd say... OH & i got the cooLest bumper sticker for "my" car.. haha *sniffLes* weLL, i don't have my own car... so i'm using my uncLe's oLd paint-chipped preLude that he lent to my brother that my brother is lending to me, in a way. hahaha but yea, the bumper sticker says "don't let this car fooL you. my treasure is in heaven" hahaha. & hmmm i have probLems at making u-turns.. but that's ok :D & we stopped by karen park's house... she cut her hair!! i swear.. she's an utter stiLL-on-the-boat [not fob, SOB] korean now!! hahaha but i didn't see her 4ever so that was neatoooo... i couLd onLy give a brief TiaTour due to pressing time, but MAN some customers!! they keep cutting the tour guide off mid-sentence!! ahahaha "excuse me, but TiaTours does not like to be interrupted" ahahaha... okie, if ur reading my jurnoe & have NO CLUE wut i'm referring to... then ur lucky cuz ur spared from my insanity :) but OH OH i cannot wait untiL october!! cuz omi is comin to stay in my dorm with meeee & we are going to the RELIENT K concert in san diegooo!!! YEAAAAA i can't wait!! haha & after berean's [i can never taLk in chronoLogicaL order.. i skip around too much.. haha eh] me & euny went to the basebaLL card store & i got two 50 cent barry bonds' cards!! haha.. i'm not as crazy about basebaLL as euny is... i like pLaying it more i guess :) even tho i STILL think softbaLL is better... hehe.

AND AHHHHHHH I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS FRIDAY-SATURDAY!!! BEACH CAMPING HERE I COME!!! hehehe yayyy adam/becca's bday beach camping trip is gonna be soooo superfun!! me & euny aren't sLeeping... we're gonna stargaze!!! yeaaaa & waLk the beach in the middLe of the night!! & duuuuude i FINALLY get to go BOOGIEBOARDING!! dude, 3 things i've been sadLy deprived of this summer: 1. beach, 2. camping, 3. BOOGIEBOARDING. and this weekend i get ALL THREE!!! YEAAAAAA i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait!!! :D

but yes, let it be known... i was taLkin to gene & we've decided that august 15th or so shouLd be a designated BEACH DAY b4 everyone leaves for schooL... cuz not evryone can go beach camping!! so YEA!! let me know if aug 15 works!!

aLritey, i gotta shower & go to work.. then go to an eye exam & get more contacts & get my glasses tuned up. hehe & then i shaLL be home!!

the last word is... God. [cuz He's good aLL the time & He's the one good thing in my life that never changes]

2002-08-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

Rags13K (12:07:00 AM): DOPEY!!!
tia tia star (12:07:36 AM): ahahaha i swear
tia tia star (12:07:43 AM): you make me sound like a dope addict
Rags13K (12:09:39 AM): that could explain a lot of things......
tia tia star (12:09:48 AM): =O
[and then we talk about movies.. & he makes fun of me AGAIN!!]
Rags13K (12:16:34 AM): those were two good movies
Rags13K (12:18:11 AM): so was snow white and the seven dwarfs, but only cuz U were IN IT
[shouLd i continue being his friend?? teLL me wut u think]

ohhhh my, friends are indeed interesting. hehehe. TiaTours, Inc. has begun services yesterday :D our first customer, omi, was rather pLeased with her 15 min tour!! ahahaha that snobby basketbaLL court was turning its NOSE up at us!! hmph!! AHAHA & euny shaLL be our next victim.. eh i mean CUSTOMER tomorrow!! then euny & i shaLL visit our dear friend berena who lives at berean's ahahaha. mmm i was reminiscing with omi about jr year.. man, even tho that was a killer year academically.. it was soooo fun socially (^.^) hehehe me, omi, danmats... OUR SLUSHIE WARS!!!! HEHEHE & me/omi waLking around the library talkin & talkin... ppL wouLd be like "those girLs waLked by here 2038539 times!!" hahaha & oh man, caLc & engLish cLass... aiiiieeee :) fun stuffs :)

talkin to omi about coLLege...
tia tia star (11:53:27 PM): man omi seoirusly tho
tia tia star (11:53:49 PM): ur gonna be the closest one to me that i can go to when i need to talk to someone!!
tia tia star (11:54:05 PM): so ur dorm room better be free always =] in case tia needs to sleep over
IamAproDorksicle (11:54:11 PM): OF COURSE
tia tia star (11:54:16 PM): hehehe good
IamAproDorksicle (11:54:18 PM): YOu will gave your designated Tia sleeping spot
tia tia star (11:54:22 PM): ahahahaha
tia tia star (11:54:24 PM): OK
IamAproDorksicle (11:54:25 PM): haha NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SLEEP THERE!
tia tia star (11:54:31 PM): and i'll have a designated omi spot!!!
IamAproDorksicle (11:54:31 PM): hahahahaha ONLY TIA!
tia tia star (11:54:37 PM): me too!!!
tia tia star (11:54:39 PM): ONLY OMI!!!
tia tia star (11:54:40 PM): AHAHHAA
IamAproDorksicle (11:54:48 PM): AHHAha WOOHOO!!!
tia tia star (11:54:50 PM): :D
tia tia star (11:54:54 PM): but YES
IamAproDorksicle (11:54:56 PM): HAHAHAH
tia tia star (11:55:03 PM): i wiLL have a star rug on the fLoor JUST FOR YOU
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:03 PM): haha i'll draw a star outline on the floor
tia tia star (11:55:05 PM): AHAHAHAHHAA
tia tia star (11:55:06 PM): OMG
tia tia star (11:55:08 PM): we are psychic
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:09 PM): no one is even allowed to step init
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:10 PM): HAHHAHA
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:12 PM): OMG WE THINKA LIKE
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:14 PM): AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
tia tia star (11:55:15 PM): AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:19 PM): SCARY
IamAproDorksicle (11:55:21 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
tia tia star (11:55:55 PM): AHAHAHA

can't wait to chiLL with eunyrOo tomorrows!! so goobye!!

2002-07-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

you don't know wut's sweet untiL you know wut's bitter.

haha somethin of that sort.. a quote i can totaLLy reLate with hehe. today was a better day than yesterday :) quite pLeasant.

tutoring was shorter than usuaL cuz nathan is away at camp... so for lunch, we had dim sum!! it was sooo gOod :9 then i went to costco.. haha i have an eye exam this saturday 3:30.. finally i can get stronger contacts... & man, my gLasses are kinda broken.. the part that goes behind ur ear.. but it's only a lil part of it that's chipped.. but it's my fav frames that i had since 8th grade... haha my first pair of glasses.. and i stiLL like em :X so i think i'LL keep it stiLL. haha. hmm i taLk about a lot of pointless stuff.. but that's ok.. cuz that's wut this jurnoe is for :) but man, my mom is so weird... today, she acted like nothin happened... eh *shrugs* that's cooL with me.

so yuppers, i went shopping at jc penney today & i got tu's goodbye gift for coLLege.. she leaves 3am tonight... i'mma miss her :( she was my best friend in jr high & the onLy one that i kept in touch with from my oLd schooL aLL thru high schooL.. i went to her house & we waLked to the park.. then we waLked to my oLd house... & we taLked muchooo about coLLege, the future, the past... lots of memories.. lots of things... it's kinda funny.. cuz before, we were looking ahead to the long four years of high schooL... & we were sooo sad cuz i was moving... but today, we were looking at the long 4 years of coLLege.. kinda interesting :) it was niice.. hehe & her gift was neat cuz we used to have nicknames for each other based on our favorite colors.. & i liked lavendar & she liked baby bLue.. but instead of caLLin it "lavendar" we caLLed it baby vioLet.. hahaha so i saw this one siLver pin that had two prettyyy fLowers on it.. one was cLear lavendar & one was cLear baby bLue... so YUP it was perfect :) haha okie, i must be a girL.. spending so much time describing a pin.. but yah mon, it was cooL. yah. hehe.

& then we went to my grandma's!! we've been goin there a lot lately. but today we took the dogs with us!! and ahhh eLisa was goin crazyyy hehe she loves dogs. & evry time choco wouLd jump up, eLisa's so smaLL that choco's paw wouLd reach her head.. so eLisa wouLd get knocked down. hehe. she is the most adorabLe baby i ever did saw. haha. & whenever you say "eLisa, po-po [korean for "kiss"] she puckers up sooo cute hahaha.. but her kiss is rather wet :P

i'm goin to the beach thursday afternoon with my aunt & cousin rachael!! hehe supposedLy either we're ending tutoring earLy & goin or i'm tutoring her AT the beach... i wanta go BOOGIEBOARDING!! yeaaaaaa (^.^) OH OH & i can't waiiiit tiLL adam/becca's bday beach camping trip!!! YEAAAAA ADAM I AM GOING!! I AM NO LONGER A CORN FLAKE!! hahaha!!

oh oh & yesterday, i went to jamba with eunyrOo!! weLL, i took the dogs for a run to the lake & she met up with me there.. but it was rahter too cLoudy for a nice sunset... there WAS no sun haha.. but yea, then we went to young's to drop off cookies euny made & then we ate STRAWBERRY CAKE at her house. omg soooo yummy.. but OH at the maLL today i got the COOLEST socks for me & euny!! hahaha COW SOCKS!! man, i never reaLLy liked cows.. but since it became like this inside joke... something about euny's neighbors [not the human neighbors!! omg that'd be mean.. we're referring to the cows that live in the farm near her house hahaha] & so yea, now evry time i see somethin with a cow on it, i'm like ahh i shouLd buy it for euny! haha even if it's kinda ugLy :X but the socks ARE cute!! :D

i write too much gibberish on here. so the last word is: INDIANA [cuz tungster sent me pictures today of mark, jason, mai, jencar, me, him, jamie, aaron, kajun.. in that order around the restaurant's tabLe, when we went out to dinner.. & pictures from the bridge of me, mai, jencar, & jamie. yupyup so i miss aLL of ya!! awww esp me-jay-me :) love ya!!]

2002-07-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just like to write on here & vent. it's nice to vent to an inanimate object at times because they don't try to give you advice, they don't say the wrong things, they just are there. not that i don't appreciate advice or stuff like that, i just sometimes need time to cooL down before i can look at a situation clearly. man, when i get mad.. i don't get mad often.. but when i do, my anger is like a flame.. it flares up for a bit and then it settles down... but when that flare is up, the smoke blinds me & the heat misleads me.. which is why.. when i get mad, i need to cool down by myself... & usually i get mad cuz i'm hurt. any other time, i have patience.. but aiiee, that is my stumbling block. my temper. & then i hate it cuz i say rash things that i regret later... but i heard a cooL anaLogy that i can totaLLy relate to...

a little boy had a problem with his temper. he would say and do things in his anger and then immediately regret them afterward. so his parents toLd him that whenever he got angry & wanted to do or say something injurious.. to get a nail and hammer it into the fence.. then when he was feeling calmer, to pull the nail out. so he did that many, many times. soon, all the nails were pulled out of the fence, but to his surprise, he realized the fence wasn't the same. where the nails once were, there were now holes. so the moral is.. you can't quite undo the harm.. you can take back your words/actions like the boy took back the nails.. but holes are left in the hearts of those you hurt.

& oh man, lately my mom has been number one on my rar list. she can be soooo brutally illogical.. like ok, i can stand it if someone does/says something i don't agree with.. that's totally fine, if they can back it up with some logic or SOMETHING... but i can't stand it when they say or do hurtful things just cuz they're in a bad mood.. & if they're in a bad mood, then everyone else should be too. & the things she says... she doesn't even take the nails out [refer to the above story]... she just leaves the nails in my heart, thinking that they'll disappear over time. i know i still love her.. but she hurts me. sooo much. & even though she's not christian, i'm fine with it.. i mean i pray for her... but i never ridicule or judge her because she's not christian... but she does it to me when she's angry. her words are like razors flying from her mouth... they cut and they ravage thru relationships. & it takes all of my patience plus the patience God gives me at times like that not to say equally hurtful things to her. she can be such an awesome mom sometimes.. when she's in a good mood... but when she isn't... she has no discretion, no mercy, no love... i'm sure i do the same... but does she even KNOW how much she hurts peopLe? when i teLL her that she hurts me, wut does it do? she doesn't understand.

but it's only after i've vented & after i've finished fuming that i can remember how much grace God has shown me... & so i shouLd stiLL be loving to my mom & i shouLd stiLL respect/honor her... even though it's sooooo freakin hard sometimes... argh.

forgiveness not onLy frees the person being forgiven, but the forgiver as weLL.

2002-07-23T01:15:00.000-07:00

ehhhh i never have time to write on here nemore :X hehehe. but i have sooo much to write!!

yesterday adam & naomi came to church wiht meeee!! & haha we went to a mexican taqueria after... not like taco beLL.. i mean like real hardcore mexican food!! & we got HUGE supreme burritos & my dad chiLLed with us too. hahaha & omi seriousLy ate like two bites.. that girL!! haha :D & then we went to the mexican bakery & got some gooood bread!! hehehe mmmmm :9 and then since i have no sense of direction, we were lost for a whiLe. but it's aLLLLL goooood :) then me & omi headed to berean's [christian bookstore] & i went to teacher's supply first to get some tutoring books for lil cousins [rach & nathan].

& ohhhh man, when i was comin out of teacher's suppLy, i started walkin toward's berean's & outside there were two homeless guys... & i tried not to look at them at first.. & i tried to pretend i didn't see them :X but one of them stopped me & started talkin to me!! he asked me if i went to church [i said yes] & he asked me wut the lil kids were taught in church... so assuming he hadn't heard the gospeL.. i started to tell him about jesus dying on the cross for us & stuff like that... & he toLd me that the churches he visited wouLd escort him out of their buiLding [catholic churches] & all this mean stuff like that... so i gave him our church address & phone number & toLd him to stop by sometime [cuz he DID have a car.. just no house or job]... and he said he wouLd!! [so maybe i'LL see him this sunday?] & he was teLLing me about the kinds of lives that homeless people live... how they have to keep moving or ppL caLL the cops on them... & i used to have a reaLLy bad opinion of the homeLess.. thinkin that they shouLd go look for jobs instead of asking for money... but this guy started to teLL me about his famiLy.. his mom was CRUEL to him & put him out of the house... so he had no home when he was young... & finaLLy one day his life changed.. he decided to become a "christian soLdier" cuz of a nice deed some guy did for him... so he went to oregon & made $80,000 a year... but he had a big accident... almost died... you can stiLL see some scars on him i think... & he limps when he waLks.. & something isn't right with his vision... & he's missing more than haLf his teeth... so he's out of a job now... & it's hard to find jobs when you don't have an address or references... so he was teLLing me aLL about his life & stuff... & even though omi was inside berean waiting for me, i had a feeLing that i shouLd just stay there & listen to this guy... i think we stood there taLking for about an hour & 15 minutes... he did most of the taLking & i mostLy listened.. but it was sooo weird... i never reaLized how bad my perception of homeless peopLe were... & he was saying how the men are nicer than the women are at giving money & stuff... that's kinda true, i think... & his brothers recentLy made his mom reaLLy sick.. cuz she's reaLLy mean & takes their paychecks... so they, i guess, tried to "get rid" of her... but didn't succeed... so after taLkin to this guy, he had the sense that i had to go now... cuz omi tried caLLing my ceLL phone.. but i didn't pick up, thinkin it'd be rude to interrupt the guy & taLk on the ceLL phone... but i gave him $4 to get dinner.. & he was like "oh here, take a doLLar back & get yourseLf some good ice cream at mcD's"... i said no... but just the fact that he offered it.. wow... and after a whiLe, he started sniffLing like he was about to cry or something... but he was saying how he was starting to think that women were aLL eviL & stuff... but that God MUST have been speaking to him today cuz a young girL like me stood there & listened to him talk.... & some of the stuff he said REALLY hit home for me... like he said people waLk by & ask "how are you doing?" but never stop to hear the response.... and that's exactLy like me... i'm aLways so busy doing stuff that i don't stop & listen to peopLe... & he said that God showed him some hope... & he said "you know... i'm so gLad i taLked to you today.. because now, for some reason, i have a feeLing that i shouLd caLL my mom & see how she is... she's in the hospitaL rite now.. but i need to hear her voice & know that she's okay.. even though she doesn't love me & is a terrible mother, i need to caLL her... thank you"... and wow, i was aLmost in tears.. it was soooo awesome.... cuz even tho some ppL wouLd think the guy got dinner money so he was more bLessed by the conversation... i think i was too... my opinon on the homeLess has changed... & just the fact that you don't have to go far to find ppL who are in need.. & the fact that they're peopLe JUST LIKE US.. & GOd loves them just the same... yea, so awesome. i was in totaL awe yesterday.. & i gave the guy a hug & as he was waLking away, he said "i'LL stop by your church & if you're not there, i'LL leave a note for you so you know that i reaLLy came & that God reaLLy works"... so yea. amazing :) *sigh*

but yupyup i tutor evry weekday 9-12 in the morning now... & this week in the afternoon, i teach 2 kids' bible clubs in the rundown areas of san jose... pretty nifty :) i have to teach in spangLish.. haha cuz the big kids can speak engLish but lil kids onLy speak spanish... but they're fun :) today, 3 jr high boys received christ. awesome.

ahhh thai food is good!! haha i had lunch with kevin wangster-gangbanger today!! it was sooo gOod.. this noodLe stuff caLLed... ummm see-ew? hehe quite interesting :)

& hmmm david [ko]'s riddLes amuse me greatLy. ahaha... they're mind-proddLing!! [is that a word? eh. oh weLL. i guess it now.. in tia's dictionary hehe] but kajun was heLpin me today with some of em!! i need to think of cooL riddLes too. haha ohhh here's one: i squawk & eat corn. what am i? hahaha a chickennnnn.. that was random & made no sense. hehe shoooot.

but OMIGOSH i am going to keeeeeL aaron!! man he's sooo lucky he lives 03539939 miLes away or i wouLd take him dowwwwn... like SMACKDOWN. ohhhh my. i am sooo way too guLLibLe.. i trust peopLe tooo muchhhh even after they trick me over & over & over again. he toLd me some freakish dude with white eyes asked him for a ride.. but he said he was too busy.. and they guy grabbed his shirt & said there were angeLs fLying around his head & he SCREAMED. then he ran, got hit by a car, & died. but he said is soooooo convincingLy... oh man.. & i was kinda questioning it... but i didn't wanta seem rude or be like "wutever" in case it reaLLy was true... but after a whiLe, he didn't say just kidding or anything so i REALLY beLieved him!! & ohhh man how freakyyyy... but then he started saying "ahh i'm scared. i hear voices. help" or something so i kinda knew he was kidding.. but i wasn't WAY SURE... then he's like jk. omigosh i beLieve peopLe too muchhhh!!! and and i remember karen [park] once toLd me she got into a car accident & aLL this stuff... & i started crying cuz she couLd've died or something... & then she said just kidding. OH MAN. maybe it's cuz i beLieve ppL when they teLL me things over IM... but i remember junior year.. in engLish cLass, naomi toLd me that cows eat mice for protein like onLy once in a whiLe or something.. & i beLieved her. goshhhhh i am suchhhh a ditz sometimes. rar :P

it's 1:13 am rite now :) i sLept 3 hours today from 6-9pm... so i'm not too tired... aiiieeee... that's such a descriptive word. aiiieee. mmm yea. haha ok i need to finish some stuff b4 i konk out... so gnitey, God bLess, & sweet dreams!! :)

kOnk.

2002-07-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

ohana means family... that means no one is left behind or forgotten ~lilo & stitch

hahaha i read a really cute story today: oliver wendell holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "dr. holmes," quipped a friend, "i should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "i do," retorted holmes, "i feel like a dime among a lot of pennies." (^.^) oh boy, SCOORE for all of us short ones. ahaha jp

i'm realizing something... with this whole spiritual warfare thing that we as believers in Christ sometimes go thru... the majority of the battles are fought at home. at least, for me it is. cuz no one knows you better than your family does... no one knows all your lil quirks and habits like they do... they know how you get when you're mad, when you're sad, when you're happy... they know YOU cuz they live with you and deal with you 24/7. home is your comfort zone. it's where you're relaxed... it's where you can be YOU... cuz there's no one to impress, no one to reject you [or supposedly not... cuz family is family no matter wut]... and so if you can still show the fruits of the spirit [galatians 5:22 "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, gentLeness, & seLf-controL"] then wow, awesome. but if not, pray about it... cuz satan attacks from the home most of the time... cuz isn't it true? if something goes wrong at home, it always affects your mood and everything else? i know that for me, this is something i really need to work on... especially in the relationships i have with my parents & my brother. just because i'm HOME doesn't mean that i'm SAFE from attacks. & if you can unconditionaLLy love your family and still respect/honor them, then that's just amazing too. cuz you know them sooo well too... not the best, but more than you know about other people... and if you can still respect them despite their shortcomings and annoying habits, then wow. isn't that so true tho? hehe, just some things i've been musing over :)

it's official. i wake up evryday at 10:30ish now. wut a slug. haha.. i love running in the mornings.. but now i can't wake up to do it :X oh well. i like running at sunset too hehe. today i went to gaLLeria with my mom & we shopped around a bit, ate lunch, and came home. now i have stuff to dooo but i'll do it later :)

yesterday was fuuuun. after work, i went to the movies with euny, mike, eugene, linshuang, davidko, rags, alvin, marylou, jason, & uhh.. i 4get if there were more people :X woops... but yea, anyway, we watched road to perdition... & oiiii wut a sad movie... it left me feeling quite depressed afterward. hehe but that's ok cuz we went to coco's after & i shared a patty melt with euny. it was sooooo funny cuz our waitor's name was pedro... & we made a face on my plate & i was gonna write "pedro" on the plate with mustard.. but hahaha that's kinda mean :X so i didn't... but it was hysterical. & ahhhh scary guy at the movies... hahaha me & euny were sooo scared. oh well. i know tae-kwon-do. haha jk no i don't.. but euny does! so it's all good. & yeaaa it was nice seeing school people again :)

lalala konk.

2002-07-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

oh boyyy, last night was soooo fun!! hahaha around 9:30ish, my mom let me drive over to euny's place!!! I HAVEN'T SEEN HER SINCE GRAD NIGHT WHICH WAS A MONTH AGO!! AHHHHHHH it was quite exciting to see her again!! hehehe & mike was there too!! and my juwee fruit bowl!! we played GWopoLy... wut a fun game!! hahaha, man i wish i could've stayed longer and played!! hehe but i had to leave at 11 :) & now i forgot why, but we had a lot of good laughs hehehe. & i went to grandma's b4 that... eLisa is soooo cute!!! ahhhh i'm gonna eat her :X she's almost two now!! & that's the cutest age everrrr. & i planted some lychee seeds with leslieeee. ahaha & my uncle chris was telling me about his college years [at ucLa] & how his grades were sooo bad cuz he partied too much... & so after he got a letter from the schooL saying he was in danger of being booted, he started shaping up. oi :X ahhh & i'm stiLL praying for my aunt youmni!!! cuz cuz i taLked to her like twice about GOd n stuff & she said she wasn't sure.. but yesterday at my grandma's house, i saw a bibLe on her bed!!! & i knowww my uncle chris doesn't read the bibLe... so maybe maybeeee she's reading it & checkin it out!! :D so pLeeeease pray 4 her!! & my mom tooo... lalala but yea, supercooL :*)

i can't waiiiiit tiLL next week!!! GIANTS' GAME!! & hekkaaaa good seats too!! yeaaaaaa!!! i'm gonna paint my face! hehehe... well i might think that one over a bit more (^.~)

BUT OH BOY I DO NOT LIIIIKE SAD ENDINGS!!! [that's why i love disney movies] the mill on the floss has SUCH a sad ending!! it just ruined my day. dahhhhhh :P hehe it was sooo sad. sniffLes. wow, in the past two weeks i watched: minority report, a beautiful mind, lilo & stitch, finding forrester [forgot how to spell it], armageddon, i am sam, the green mile... & tomorrow i'm gonna watch 'road to perdition'... dude, i neverrrr watch this many movies. haha :) i usually never have any time. & i've been to the mall 29385738 times too! geez

What Snack Food are YOU? Click here to find out!
i'm a twinkie =X & this is wut it toLd me: Spongy, yellow, and an utter mystery, you're the X-file of snack foods! More people ponder you than consume you, but you don't mind--you get to remain uneaten and...er...free to do Twinkish things! *grin*

oooookay :X i'm amused! haha..

i wrote lots of songs in the past two weeks... but this one i wrote for my brother :) it's called "don't you know".. & it's kinda supposed to be like God talkin to us... mmm yea :) here it is

it hurts Me
to see you frustrated & so lost
stumbLing aLong life's road
without a map
i watch you fall so many times
I want you to ask Me for heLp
but cuz of My love for you
i must patiently wait until you learn
to reach up for My hand

don't you know
My heart breaks
when you cry out
& instead of reaching for Me
you reach for the things of the worLd
don't you know
I alone can pick you up
& don't you know
a righteous man may fall 7 times
& rise again
don't you know

2002-07-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

i am soooo tiiired :) but indiana was reaLLy fuuun, i met lots of cooL buddies!! but awww i miss all of ya!! i'LL write more about the trip later.. haha too lazy :X

it's kinda nice to be home again... but eh, home comes along with its own special bag of problems & issues. yucko. dude, family can sometimes be the nicest thing in your life [aside from God] but it could be the most heart/mind-wracking thing ever too. rar. muchoooo prayers are needed. i'd rather not elaborate :)

i'm almost finished reading "the mill on the floss"... it's pretty good i have to admit... lots of good quotable quotes in it. haha. & notable notes.. i sound like mr. stephan :X oii... but one quote i liked was "i flutter in all directions & fly in none".. that soooo explains me. nuf said :)

euny, i need a bit of an unloading time on ya later :) a lil mOo-time haha.

hmmm it's kinda interesting how.. if i'm emotionaLLy or spirituaLLy worn out, it makes me physicaLLy tired too... & no amount of sLeep can make the tired-ness go away. but even if i'm physicaLLy tired, if i'm emotionaLLy/spirituaLLy fired up... i suddenLy don't feeL tired anymore. weird huh?

kOnk.

2002-06-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

i square.. somethin is wrong with me... today, i cannot speak OR spell OR type OR anything that requires the minimaL amount of inteLLigence!! :X

IamAproDorksicle (2:25:34 PM): i wanna eat it :D
IamAproDorksicle (2:25:44 PM): OMG it yAWNs!
tia tia star (2:25:45 PM): it's a snoring cotton candy =D
IamAproDorksicle (2:25:46 PM): how cute!!!
tia tia star (2:25:53 PM): hahaha
IamAproDorksicle (2:25:59 PM): OMG its feet move
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:03 PM): omg i could stare at it all day
tia tia star (2:26:06 PM): AHAAHA
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:08 PM): its sooooooo cute
tia tia star (2:26:15 PM): wowwww ur so observive
tia tia star (2:26:17 PM): uhhh
tia tia star (2:26:20 PM): observative
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:21 PM): ahahahahhaha
tia tia star (2:26:25 PM): i forgot how to talk!!
tia tia star (2:26:26 PM): omg
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:26 PM): observant?
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:29 PM): AHAHHAA
tia tia star (2:26:29 PM): AHAHAHA
tia tia star (2:26:30 PM): OH YEA
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:34 PM): AHAHHAHAHA
tia tia star (2:26:37 PM): i can't speLL OR TALK today!!
tia tia star (2:26:39 PM): ahahahahaaa
tia tia star (2:26:43 PM): observant!!
IamAproDorksicle (2:26:45 PM): hahahahahaha
tia tia star (2:26:49 PM): ohhh man. something is terribly wrong with me =X
IamAproDorksicle (2:27:03 PM): teehee
tia tia star (2:27:49 PM): oh wow. i'm a high schooL graduate tooo!
tia tia star (2:27:53 PM): aiiieeee

2002-06-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

hummmm my church friends went to the beach today to go boogieboarding. & i was sooo gonna go but then my dad reminded me i had stuffs to do. boooo :P

but randomly during church my mind started wandering [which it usuaLLy NEVER does!! :D haha jk] & i was thinking of an anaLogy...

lots of times in life, we try to pLace our own vaLue on ourseLves. we're reaLLy "me"-centered & seLfish in manyyy ways. so it's like... we pLace a price-tag on ourseLves... saying "hey look, i'm worth so much!" & when we compare ourseLves to other peopLe, we think we're either worth more or worth less than other peopLe. comparing ourseLves to others: it's wut we do so often... but think about how injurious that is. it's because of the way we compare that we get envious, jeaLous, bitter, arrogant... it's in no way beneficiaL to either party. & so we have these price-tags on us... & the amount we're worth is the one we make up ourseLves by comparing our taLents & appearances & inteLLect & other quaLities to those of other peopLe... but wut God does... when we surrender our lives to Him, the first thing He does is tear off those price-tags. & at first, we're totaLLy crushed.. we're broken... our price-tags are gone... so we think we're worthLess now. but noooo, God lifts us up on our feet... He gives us a fatherLy hug, looks into our eyes & tells us... "don't put a price on yourseLf. don't let the worLd put a price on you either. instead, let ME put a price on you... because onLy I know exactLy how much you're worth." as our tears are wiped away, we look down & see a new price-tag... one that lasts for eternity... & as we look more closely.. it says in boLd letters: PRICELESS.

haha i know. i'm random. but reaLLy... it's pretty awesome if you think about it :)

"we're not loved by God because we're vaLuabLe. instead, we're vaLuabLe because we're loved by God"~

2002-06-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

today is saturday :) & ohhh man, wut a busy week it was last week.

i had christian youth in action training all week from 8:30 tiLL 5:30. isn't that nuts? hehe. but it was cooL. we worked with lots of little kids... sooo adorable. & we did open air evangeLism one day at the park & that was just sooo neat. & ahhhh one awesome highlight of the week: euny/mike got 12th at nationaLs!!! when i found out, i was on my ceLL phone, driving home from band practice... it was exciting.. but it's dangerous to be so excited while driving :"D hehe. look, it's an indian :"D HOW! hehe.

at training "graduation" last night, the speaker was telling us to dedicate our whole hearts and whole SELVES to God. because sometimes we get distracted by things... like the opposite gender :X hehe. & it was reaLLy awesome... he was teLLing us to just give God our entire hearts... don't give Him the leftovers... don't waste our emotions & affections on temporary reLationships... give it to God. we onLy have a little bit of time to be "singLe" & to totaLLy concentrate on God... cuz in severaL years, we'LL be married [or supposedLy] & then our hearts wiLL be divided. & this is a time to just totaLLy serve God & focus on Him... why worry about gaining a boy/girL's attention when you can have the fuLL & TOTAL attention of the One who loves you the MOST? [God] & i was thinkin, "yea! that's wut i'm sayin!" :) it was quite gOod.

oh oh & at training, i met this girL named uhh.. grace! :) grace jang. & she goes to ucsd!! she's gonna be a second year in the faLL [rooseveLt coLLege] & she was teLLing me about the different christian feLLowships they had there & she said she'd take me to hers :) it's some korean mission-minded one. & she said there's lots of "southern koreans" there... so ehhh it ought to be interesting... hehe. & i've decided FINALLY to just stick with a doubLe rOom. mmmm mostLy cuz my dad said to, but i've decided it on my own too. hehe. in ONE week, i'LL be indiana!! & on wednesday, i leave for SD orientation!! oreoooo...

but but EUNY IS BACK TODAY!!! man, i can't beLieve it's onLy been a week since graduation... & since grad night... but it seems like such a long time ago.

i'm kinda excited about coLLege now :) there's so much i wanta do. i wanta be a nerd :B hehe. & i wanta surf & boogieboard & go to the beach everyday & meet COOL friends [just as cooL as the ones i have now :) muah, much love. oh baby haha] & i wanta TOTALLY be on fire for God & do amazing things for Him in coLLege!! & i wanta learn to street-skateboard & do tricks on my roLLerbLades!! & read lots of books. and.. and...

i have so many dried fLowers in my room now :) i think i wanta take some to coLLege. i love drying them. they're sooo pretty. they're mostLy dried yeLLow roses, but i have some other mixtures in there too :)

i need consistency... in my waLk with Christ & in the things i decide to do. i think i'm too impuLsive & scatterminded. sometimes i'd be reaLLy into something.. then later it fades.. & i get reaLLy into something eLse... too many things. i was thinking about that... i do too many things. i have no focus. i was thinking of that as i turned my compy on today... i opened 4 programs aLL at once & it took forever for aLL of them to load up... but i was thinking if i just opened one at a time, it'd be faster. & i'm wondering if i shouLd do that with the other things i do too...

hmmm i have lots of random things i ponder over lately... like... it seems that every time i'm with reLatives or friends, we taLk about coLLege.. which is totaLLy naturaL.. but especiaLLy my reLatives.. they aLways say things like "ahhh you're gonna be sooo crazy with aLL that independence & you'LL probabLy have a boyfriend and never study!" & i dunno. i know that lots of peopLe hook up when they go to coLLege, but mmm... i don't think i want to. i mean, why do it just for the sake of doing it? you know? i think that right now.. and for a long time yet, just FRIENDS is good for me. cuz during high schooL... i got distracted so much by "sociaL things" & that kind of junk... & ummm yea... my grades suffered & i wasted a lot of unnecessary time... lots of unnecessary anxiety. it's quite distracting... and hey, i don't NEED one. cuz ok think about it, why do we REALLY want those types of reLationships? rite now i have aLL the love i couLd ever want, so why search for more? & wouLdn't it be a better investment with my time to serve God & buiLd up my other brothers & sisters in Christ rather than wasting time with lil petty reLationships that end up hurting both sides? EXACTLY hehe :) & wut do boyfriend/girLfriend reLationships give that friendships don't? romance? i mean, it's aLL nice & mushy to feeL aLL speciaL... & yea, i admit i love those sappy disney movies too hehe... but why waste that affection on someone that you're not sure you're going to spend the rest of your life with? save it :) so to those who read my jurnoe, think about it. you don't need a guy/girL to compLete yourseLf. ladies, learn to be a whoLe person first with God... rather than aLways cLinging & leaning on guys... depending on them to make you feeL more secure. hehe i sound like a feminist now :X but that's not wut i mean... i guess it's cuz i know lots of friends who treat the whole guy/girL reLationship thing like it's a game... like it's nothing & meaningLess... i saw a few of my friends from junior high last week & it's sad to see some of them wasting away in reLationships that they know wiLL lead nowhere. they go from guy to guy & it's sooo sad to see :P & i know there's some reLationships i know of that God is totaLLy bLessing... i'm not putting boyfriends & girLfriends down... but this is something you have to just PRAY about i guess. bring it before God. LOOK UP BEFORE YOU LOOK AROUND.

& hehe, i said this for my own benefit & reminder just as anyone eLse's :) so y'aLL have to keep me accountabLe now.. or at least, i know of one moo besht fwend who wiLL definiteLy keep me accountabLe :)

& smiLe :) not because you want to hide hurt or because you just FEEL happy, but because you SHOULD be happy.
we're aLL so bLessed.. sure we've had our heartaches & triaLs in life... but we're stiLL in one piece...
& think about it... God knows us inside & out. He knows our struggLes... He knows our weaknesses... He knows everything about us. He knows more about us than even we know about ourseLves. yet, He loves us. unconditionaLLy... with a love that cannot be measured.. a love that cannot be expressed... a love so strong... so awesome... so amazing... so deep.
i can't even BEGIN to fathom how awesome that is...

2002-06-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

graduation & grad night were awesome. there's a twinge of sadness just waiting to settle in... but i keep shoving it away with other, happier thoughts :) why be sad when God has an amazing future in store for me? He'll remain faithfuL.. i have nothing to fear :)

but i was so gLad i got to waLk next to kendaL for grad :D it was so fun. we sat next to each other & when our hands hurt from cLapping, she'd cLap & i'd yeLL for peopLe. hehe it was great teamwork (^.~) & i kept saying to her, "it still doesn't feeL like i'm graduating".. i think i said that at least 6 times before. then after votaw said "i present to you the class of 2oO2".. it hit :) it gave me the chiLLs.. like whoa, high schooL is byebye. & tu/juLie came!! my buddies from jr high :) i love you tui!! hehe. & maryLou's speech was awesome... TIMSHEL.. thou mayest. there was this one tree root right b4 you get on stage that i kept tripping on. weLL, i didn't faLL :) hehe.. but after we were waLking off the stage, i turned to kendaL & i was like "hey, we didn't trip & faLL!!" and rite when i said that, i aLmost tripped :X that dumb root. ahaha. but wowwww dan mats was there!! & so was a lot of other last-year seniors!! it was quite exciting to see them aLL again :) & euny's mommmmyyyyy [my mom #77 hehe] i love her!! she so nice :D thank you for the baLLoons!! even though it got aLL tangLed with euny's :D hehehe. i took soooo many pictures... can't wait to deveLop aLL of them...

aunt connie & nathan came too!! :) & our famiLy went to dinner with them after; rachaeL came too. i ate sooooo much. i ordered a greek festivaL, which is HUGE!! & i ate pretty much aLL of it. wow, i am a beast. haha :X then we went to our house, looked at pictures & played with the doggies :) nathan got me a lil bear doLL that is soooo adorabLe.. and it's my favorite materiaL for doLLs... like soft.. i can't describe it.. but it's looking up & ahh so cute, so i named it esperanza :) which in spanish means "hope". hehe. ohh & my brother toLd me to wear shorts to grad nite cuz it'd be sooo hot & i did. it wasn't too bad. i was running around a lot. hehe. i did the sumo-wrestLing thing with karen shi. it was soooo funny... the suits were sooo big for us!! i won though!! :D karen, i stiLL ruff you!! hehehe, but it was hilarious cuz every time we feLL, we needed the guy to puLL us up cuz the suits were so big, we couldn't get up! hahaha. then i got to jump on her big sumo tummy [lots of piLLows] since i won the third round :D then i did the spinny thing & i couLdn't waLk straight afterward :X thanks becca & omi for guiding me hehe. later, me & omi were going crazy... skipping around & acting like dorks. but it's wut we do best (^.^) & we got sooo many toys!! hahaha we are the hawaiian princesses!! we each had leis head-band things with purple sparkly tiaras!! wut a fashion statement!! ohhh & we had two tattoo star things on our faces too!! vewy fun :) then there was the sLide thing... the two things i didn't do was the music video [which i wanted to] & the boxing rink. haha. & when i first waLked into the "gambLing pLace", i was like ahhh why are aLL these peopLe here?! how boring!! they shouLd go outside & pLay!! but i started pLaying bLackjack... man, it's addicting :X at one point, i had 7 bLack chips.. but raghav [he was poor] asked me for one.. & i lost the rest sLowLy.. i got too greedy :X hehe. but it's ok, cuz gambLing like that just taught me that i shouLd never gambLe any of my reaL money... hehe. then the hypnotist guy came... i was soooo gonna voLunteer untiL jen su toLd me about a sermon she heard... saying that hypnotism was suspicious n stuff. so i didn't. it was reaLLy funny at times, but it was reaLLy freakish. i was kinda worried... but that's just me. i worry like no other ;P hehe. but when my dad picked me up, i asked him about hypnotism & he expLained it better to me :) but i'm stiLL gLad i didn't participate. i like to be in controL of my own seLf :) oooo & dude, euny OWNS on ddr! quite impressive :) & speakin of ddr, while euny was doing it, one of my friends [from art cLass.. i won't mention names] came up to me & he was like "heyyy!!" & i was like "wow, you came!!" cuz he's not reaLLy the grad night type of person... & whiLe i was taLking to him, i noticed something was wrong.. so i was like "dude, are you on drugs?" & he was like "nooo" & i was like "omigosh, you ARE. don't lie to me" & he kept denying it... then he said he doesn't do drugs, but he had a drink. & i was soooo... ugh. he was pretty tweaked.. like not crazy, but just reaLLy wide-eyed. & dude, that was the worst part of grad night... cuz he wrote in my yearbook that i was a good infLuence on him. but obviousLy it did no good. i was just reaLLy disappointed after that... i was kind of angry with him & kind of angry with myseLf.. cuz i didn't know what to do. rar. why do peopLe have to ruin themseLves like that? like ok, sometimes ppL wiLL get drunk n stuff, but heLLoooo, he does it reguLarLy.. & i guess it never hit me tiLL i actuaLLY SAW him like that. but if you're reading this, just pray for him :P God knows who he is.

ooo i won sabercat tickets from grad night.. but eh, i wanted to win giants' tickets so ha :D *shrugs*

but after my dad picked me up, we taLked for a whiLe & then i wasn't reaLLy sLeepy so i cLeaned my room cuz i can't stand messy rooms even though mine is aLways messy :P so i cLeaned it, read this one poem book my aunt got me, & then i decided i better sLeep :) so i sLept around 6:30 & woke up at 2 :)

now i have so much to do :) next week i have training to be a summer missionary [the thing with lil kids that i do every summer] & i have to take an online language pLacement test by tomorrow night for ucsd, look into financiaL aid/schoLarship stuff, finish my housing info, & awwwwww i'm so disappointed!!! i can't go to the giants' game on june 29 with euny/mike/eugene anymore!!! cuz i'm going to indiana tiLL juLy 13.. which i'm totaLLy looking forward to :DDD but awww no giants' game.. but it's ok, there wiLL be more games :) so untiL mid-juLy, i'm a goner :) not reaLLy, but sorta. hehe. ok, i'm tired of writing on here :) God is stiLL incredibLy awesome.

one last thing... i was taLking to my aunt connie yesterday b4 she dropped me off to grad night.. & it's weird.. when i was lil or even still in junior high, i thought i'd be soooo biiig & mature & lalala when i graduated from high schooL.. but eh, i'm not :) i'm stiLL a kid. *squirm* hehe.

2002-06-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

last night, God proved to me again how awesome He was.
it's funny.. the things we never think of... the lil conversations we have with people... even PROJECTS we do in school... God can use anything to reach people.
you can plant a seed or tend to it... without even knowing it. give your life to God... wow God. i could not ask for more.
& consistency... patience...
john choi & dustin are awesome. thanks john for all the encouragement... wow... that one history project... we're a TEAM :) & thanks dustin for being so patient with me & being so honest. both of you are one of those friends that truly sweeten life. thanks.
& thanks euny. wut would i do without you??

we played baseball.. err.. well... at first we played tennis-ball haha.. baseball except with a tennis ball.. then we played softball :D it was soooo fun, but the juniors beat us. but that's ok!! cuz we're gonna play them again in some other sport... so we didn't buy them ice cream yet (^.~) hehe i had so much fun playing today. except it's sad how much i forgot in like... only a year & half? but eh, i had super fun :) hamilton got really dusty.. he likes to roll around in the dirt hehe jk. & such!! that boy... i don't waddle. & brian... haha i kept trying to distract him while i was at first base.. the first two times i told him to look in the field behind & he'd look. the third time i was at first, i was like "look" and he was like "ahh i saw it i saw it!!" hahaha. oi, i miss playing softball. lalala. & i'm definitely not good enough to play for SD. they're hardcore softball players... i should join tee-ball :D hehe. but yea, it was fun... even though i think i have a sock tan now... hard to tell whether it's dirt or a tan. maybe i should shower. cuz rite after softball, i had to go to band... so no shower yet. & i'm soooo tired.. i was falling asleep at band... and 2morrow is graduation!! and GRAD NIGHT. that means noooo sleep... so i better stock up tonight on my slumber. so goodbye! :)

i stand in awe of You~

2002-06-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

umm i can't believe it's the last day of school.
in some ways, it hasn't really hit yet... in other ways, it has.

but i owe mucho to becca, jon, & dan for accompanying me to the lake :) thanks. you guys cheered me up!! & becca, i love our lil conversations :) they mean muchoooo to me!! & i love hanging out witchoo!! thank youuuuuuuuu for reminding me.. that in the past, evry time God introduced change in my life... it was always for the better.. it really was... cuz change was wut brought me to leland from gunderson.. and from august boeger to gunderson... and so on... & change is good. too often, we get too comfy in life... we start to lean on the comforts of life & the routines of life... when change occurs, it seems like i re-learn to put my trust & foundation in God.. the never-changing rock :)

euny!! i reaLLyyyyy missed you today... cuz i was feeLing eh after i took a nap & kinda sentimentaL/down about the whoLe "high schooL is over" thing... i can't wait tiLL tomorrow!! you'LL be back!! me needs to talks to yous :)

2002-06-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

i had an awesome day.

after work, my aunt [youmni] picked me up. and she took me shopping!! (^.^) i bought lots of "beach"-wear. i'm such a bum. hehe. it's all about comfort baby :) but yea, after shopping was the greatest part. we went back to my grandma's & i climbed my grandma's cherry trees & picked soooo many. she's reallyyyy old-fashioned haha.. she was like "ahhh ur such a tomboy!! wut kind of girl climbs trees like that? you'll never get married!!" ahahaha i almost fell out of the tree laughing. but she had to admit, i picked some daRN good cherries!! :D then we ate dinner.. & ahhh elisa is sooo adorable.. she's like a year and a half now... and during dinner, i got to feed her.. but hehehe she kept putting her hand in my food & taking it... i guess that sounds gross, but eh, she's my cuzzy :) no cooties. hehe. & then leslie raced me to the park & we ran around.. it was really fun.. but then she scraped her knee so we came back home.
& i had an awesome chat with my aunt on the way home... she's sooo cool... of all my relatives, i have to say that my aunt connie & aunt youmni are my favorites. sighs.

but yea, i'm home now :) & talkin to eunyroo about lots of things... with euny, i can totally be myself... like i can tell her anyyything & not be afraid... i always know that she loves me anyway [hehe] & it's so awesome.. being able to have someone to talk to without thinking of the words coming from ur lips... it's like thinking out loud & not worrying about it... someone to fall back on... so awesome. thanks euny. you know you're my homie G mOo :D hehe. "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another"~ proverbs 27:17 [we aren't men.. i hope not.. but you gets the eye-dee-uh]

2002-06-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

i wonder if i'm ever like that too...
hmm i wonder if i'm ever as blind as that to the power of my actions & words...
i wonder if i ever speak & don't even see the effects it has on those who listen...
i wonder if i ever act & don't even see the effects it has on those who witness...
it's scary to see wut can happen when you're only absorbed in yourself...
when all you see before you is your own selfish pride & ambition...
when others are merely obstacles.. when you see nothing but an "i" in "team"
why can't we see...
that when we work for others, the benefits overflow into our lives
but when we work for ourselves, we hurt others
now i know what God meant
when He said that wars & battles come from
the selfish desires of our hearts.
God, help me to be the opposite of what i see everyday
in homes, in schools, in my own mirror...
i pray You humble me.
to act like a servant.. when i'm treated like one.
to put You before me & others before me...
that You would open my eyes to see.
my words are so powerful... my actions are so powerful...
help me to use this power to build others up... to encourage... to love...
not to scar or wound others.
so that life would echo back to me
the loving words & actions that i shout out.

i like to write out my thoughts... sometimes they don't make sense... but it helps ease the load somehow :)

it's so easy to forget... that i'm not the only one in the world with needs & wants. sometimes i have to sacrifice those petty wants & needs to help paint a greater picture than the one i'm seeing. there's so much that i do.. that i regret. i need to open the eyes of my heart.. to see what i cannot. i need to begin the change in myself... because "you can lead someone only as far as you have led yourself"~ & wow, i'm not far at aLL :X

ah i feeL butter&bread now :) oo today i played with choco & atom. i'm trying to train choco to obey voice commands... my mom said choco is like me... she's really jumpy & crazyyyy... & haha this is gonna sounds really odd.. but i wonder if i'm ever so ahhhhh that i don't "obey" or hear the commands that God is giving me. not ahhhh as in the sense of being physically ahhhh but spiritually ahhhh.. like drowning out God's whisper with the shout of "SELF". okie, i guess i don't make much sense.. but mmm yea :) ooohh yesterday, i went to the lake with becca rite b4 sunset to study physics. it was sooo nice... hehe we tied our hairs up into high ponytails and put it at the sides of our heads... and then sat on the towel rite by the waterrrr... so pretty & peaceful.

there's three things that i reallyyyy wanta do... go to the beach & boogieboard, go to the beach & stargaze, & pLay softbaLL.

i just realized, i never wrote about senior ball up here. it was fun. i won't try & describe it haha cuz that'll ruin it. but it was reallyyy nice. & when i got home, i played with choco & talked to my dad over a bowl of apple jacks (^.^) but aiiieee, i can't get my yearbook till monday... how are people gonna sign it?? aiigOo. wut to do.

the senior ball cd is so sad. i started listening to it & i had to put it away. hmm i think i get too emotional lately.. rather strange... like the other day, i was signing omi's yearbook & halfway thru, i had to stop. & then at the lake yesterday, i was talkin to becca about it & i had to stop. haha wut's wrong with me. i am quite the dorkus.

so my last thought is this: if it's so hard to say goodbye... then don't say it :) cuz it doesn't have to be.

2002-06-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

hmmmm just a thought.. i think i'm mellowing out lately... mmm... well, i'm not all crazayyyy like i was evryday before hahaha.. but yea, i told eunyroo this awreddy.. but lately, i feel really pensive & mmm i think when we're all ahhh all the time, we miss a lot. i dunno.. sometimes it's nice to sit back & observe people and just the things in life.. kinda interesting... it's nice :)

a verse that's really been on my heart lately is galations 5:22. it's on my profile. but yea, those are the qualities & traits taht i really want evident in my life. the fruit of being a branch on God's tree.. not trying to rely on myself only.. cuz a branch by itself can't bear fruit... but with God, i can bear these fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control :) hehe. i memorized it.

2002-06-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

variety showwww was 2dayyy :) it's finaLLy overrrr. YES! haha but after, me & euny went to jamba juice & split a drink & got pretzels. it was greaaat!! hehe

ooo read this. i am sooooo amused. haha smarterchild is a machine on aim that responds to IM messages & i told it that my name was billy & euny said her name was oswald.. & read this... hehehe.. we were battling for "him" & haha dude, i am pimpiiing!! :D well not really ... but it's funnyyy~

tia tia star (12:07:54 AM): What is my name?
SmarterChild (12:07:55 AM): Billy!
wa n2z m o o ose (12:15:06 AM): What's my name??
SmarterChild (12:15:07 AM): Oswald!

wa n2z m o o ose (12:16:30 AM): I like you!
SmarterChild (12:16:30 AM): Really? You've said bad things about me before.
tia tia star (12:09:57 AM): i like you!
SmarterChild (12:09:58 AM): I like you too. ;-)

wa n2z m o o ose (12:18:07 AM): I love you.
SmarterChild (12:18:09 AM): I don't know what to believe anymore! You've said bad things to me in the past.
tia tia star (12:12:28 AM): i love you!
SmarterChild (12:12:29 AM): Hey, I love you too!

tia tia star (12:16:04 AM): do you like me better than oswald?
SmarterChild (12:16:07 AM): I guess so, probably.

okie, i'm sleepy :)

2002-05-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

thank You God.

2002-05-28T21:51:00.000-07:00

hmmmm today i was in a song-writing mood :) & i wrote one called "author of my life". here are the lyrics... (just a note: i wrote it cuz.. lately.. i've been really fearfuL of Tomorrow & i didn't want to let go of Today in some ways... this is a song from my heart to anyone else who feeLs the same way :)

dear God,
it seems that every time a chapter in my life is finished,
i begin to fear again.
i grab a penciL & i wonder...
what do i write?
how do i start?
what shouLd my next chapter be?
in my fear & doubt, i cLing to the past
to dweLL in simpLe memories.
i can never seem to let go
i'm so comfortabLe where i am
don't make me move on...

[chorus]
but thru the tears & aLL my fears
i hear a gentLe whisper say,
"chiLd, don't be afraid.
I'm hoLding your hand aLL the way.
let Me be the one
to write the story of your life.
I always guarantee a happy ending."

yet in my darkest moments,
i think of the friends i'd leave behind..
or the ones that wiLL leave meee behind..
God, this worLd changes so fast
it scares me.
how can i trust myseLf to write another word?
oh, the future's so obscure
but you remind me,
it's the darkness that brings out the light of the stars

[bridge]
though life ever changes, You stay the same.
You are forever.. the anchor of my soul.
now i know what i must do
surrender the pages of my heart
i'll let You be the author of my life

YOU ALWAYS GUARANTEE A HAPPY ENDING :)

God bLess~

2002-05-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

wow, i felt like a kid all over again today (^.^)

after church, i went to my aunt connie's house & she gave me a necklace... well, she was saving it for my 18th bday but she gave it to me to wear to sb.. so yay, now i have a necklace.. it's really simple.. but i like simple stuff :) well, just not all elaborate & showy :) but yea, i love my aunt... she's my dad's sister.. and i think my grandma was somewut like her. i'm really close to her.. & we had fun girl chat today :) & nathan [my 10 year old cuzzy] was like "ewww girl talk" haha.

then after that, i came home & my mom, me, my bro went to my grandma's house & it was fuuun :) lots of the relatives were over. and i got to see my lil cuzzies leslie & elisa. leslie is 7 and elisa is almost 2 (^.~) she's sooooo adorabLe!! but before dinner, leslie & i went to the park... we found two tennis rackets in my grandparent's garage.. but we couldn't find any tennis balls so we grabbed this big bouncy ball and took that to play with... hehe it was sooooo fun. i'd pitch it to her & she'd smack it & i'd run to go get it again. we did that for an HOUR hahaha. omigoshh & one time, i was like "hey leslie, keep ur eye on the ball when you hit it" cuz she kept missing. and so she grabbed the ball and put it on her eye & said "ok! my eye is on the ball!" ohhhh myyyy, wut a WEIRDO! :D where does she get it from?? hehehe :X & then i taught her to make flower necklaces... i love doing that :) my mom taught me a long time ago... and so we made her a crown & a bracelet. she was the flower princess.. and uhhh i was the lucky tennis-racket-holder :D then we raced back.. & instead of eating dinner, we picked cherries in my grandma's backyard & ate a whoooooLe bunch of them :X they were sooo goood! hehe. fun fun.

so now i'm home again. *kOnk*

duude, i hope that no matter how old i get on the outside.. that i'll alwayyys find pleasure in the simple things of life.. like a lil kid. cuz I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP! I'M A TOYS 'R' US KID!! but yea, i love lil kids. i love BEING a kid. rar :) [with faith like a child]

hehehe :B look at my big teefers.

ok, that's my cue to exit. BUYBUY!!

2002-05-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

from earLy on i vaLued the gift of memory above aLL others. i understood that as we grow oLder we carry a whoLe nation around inside of us, pLaces & ways that have disappeared, beLieving that they are ours, that we aLone hoLd the torch for our past, that we are as impenetrabLe as stone. memory stiLL seems a gift to me & i hoLd tight to those few things that are forever gone & aLways a part of me, whiLe the new life, the changing view, streams by~

i just got home from running with atom [doggie] at almaden lake. except haha i was carrying my bible in my bag.. and i realized as i was running wut a NUISANCE the bag was... cuz it doesn't hug to ur back. so i ended up just holding it in my arm & running :) i learned myyy lesson. but yea, i saw david [ko] there! wow, i usually never see anyone my age at that time [sunset] cuz usually it's families & nice, old people :) so it was cool. and while we were chattin, i saw shashank [he's a lil kid that goes to kumon]. haha :) nice surprise.

but yea, that quote that i wrote up there is from a novel [a map of the worLd] & it's one of my favorite quotes. i guess cuz it feeds my nostalgic moods :) but it's weird.. lots of seniors are getting that now... like it's finally hitting home. we're growing up. and at first i tried to cling to things... friends, etc... but now i guess i'm more at peace. cuz i know that although this life is constantly changing... God stays the same. He's the same today as He was yesterday & forever.. and He'll be the same tomorrow. He's like my anchor through the storm. that reminds me of a song... "all through the storm.. Your love is the anchor. my hope is in You alone"~

i'm reading joy luck club rite now.. and wow. i love this book. there's so muchhhh in it. even though i'm not chinese.. i'm still asian [haha duh] & by reading this book, i can understand my MOM sooo much better. i understand better why she does certain things & it kind of gives me insight into where she's coming from. i can relate with so much... cuz in this book, you look through 8 different people's perspectives.. four of them are the daughters that are asian & born in america.. and four of the views are the mothers who grew up in china & then moved to america later to give their future generations more "opportunity"... and as i was reading this during spanish class on friday [sowwie juwee, i was reading instead of watching pride & prejudice :X hehe] i almost started crying.. cuz some parts were sooo liek my mom.. & lots of times i'm impatient with her... and there was this part in the book where the mom was saying something about "my children think i'm stupid just because i'm unable to communicate my thoughts in a language that i did not grow up learning" & aiii. that hurt. and i totally know that communication is a barrier between my mom & me. but i guess language is really only a secondary means of communication.. cuz everything else we do [our actions, facial expressions, etc] speak louder than what we say. but ok, i'm being a nerd :) but really, read this book. haha.

ohh & pray for my mom. cuz long time ago she had tendonitis [i can't spell i don't think] & had to have surgery & everyyything. and lately, this tendon thing is kinda protruding out of her wrist area & we're afraid it's the tendonitis thing agaiiiin... and it's pretty severe. like her whole arm feels stiff & it hurts her.. but she works too & it's hard for her to quit cuz we still need the finances. even though our financial situation is reallyyyyy improving, it's still not totally stable... so that's an issue too. so yea :) that's why i must stop journaling now. i have to do some chores for her.

byebye & God bLess :D

2002-05-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

everyday of my life pride & i fight a war
God supplies with me with little but i grab for more
tempted by popularity, glory, & gold
i place myself in the spotlight & shove God out the door
but the strongest desire of my heart is to die & no longer preach one thing & then live a lie
i must humbly submit my will daily to Christ, turn the spotlight away & make this my heart's cry

when i pass thru may my name be forgot
may the words that i spoke be as though i had not
i will plan evry step so in all that i do
Jesus none would see me
but see thru me to You

...no one else in my life is to blame
when my selfish desire is found courting with fame
to be quickly forgotten's my aim
one nameless servant to that unforgettable name
Jesus who came~

["forgettable" by everybodyduck]

i had the best conversation with my brother today after church :*) quite awesome.

2002-05-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

mmm i'm tired... i wore my pj's to school today.. and it was soooo cold cuz the pants are so thin... and this morning, i locked the keys in the car when i got to school so my mom had to bring the spare ones during lunch :X but that's ok.. cuz she brought me McD's too :) nice mommy. hehe.

ooo yesterday i went to euny/mike/eugene's orchestra concert. it was pretty cool.. it's so much more interesting when you actually can see people playing the instruments & trying to coordinate it with 20395893 other people :) i was quite impressed. i wish i played an orchestral instrument [haha is that a word?] in 6th grade i wanted to learn the flute, but when i was little, i had asthma problems.. so my mom said no. now i kinda wanta learn violin.. i've wanted to.. since this past summer.. cuz i think strings are so nice.. well, piano is string too... but it makes different sounds :) duh. haha. i'm so shmart :X

ummina-hummmm... my sinuses are soooo ugh. ever since i had that sinus infection during the winter, i'm so scared.. cuz it hurts like crazyyyy & all those antibiotics & medication stuff... yuck :P but lately, they've been bad again. i guess it's allergies.. but uhhh go awayyyy. i wish i had no sinuses. hehe is that possible..? i don't think so.. but yea, that'd be quite nice :)

ok, i'm sleepyish... i'm gonna pwactice some piano.. then read until i fall asleep. i think rainy days make me tired.. and reflective too.. makes me all sentimental. hehe.

ohh but b4 i go, i wanta share a verse :) isaiah 55:8-9 "for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways & My thoughts than your thoughts"~
when my grandma [dad's mom.. who i never met.. she died b4 i was born] was diagnosed with cancer & was suffering from it... she underlined this in her Bible.. this was one of the veryyy few verses she underlined in it...

(: how come no one ever makes smiley faces this way? (:

2002-05-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

um umm ummm i think i found my dress :) and at OAKRIDGE too!! cuz today after work, i just went there to look at different colors.. so i put on different colored dresses [not prom dresses] to see wut color i'd want... and then... lo & behold, i saw the color i wanted :) like a light yeLLowwwwww soooo pretty i like that color... and i was disappointed cuz it was strapless... but it had a scarfy thing... & when i tried it on, it fit reallyyyy well & i don't think the strapless aspect of it would be a problem AT ALL... it was the only one they had too!!! so i put it on hold :D & i'm going back with my mom tomorrows :) yippeeee, i might not have to race around tomorrow at great mall after alllll :)

ok, that's all. hehehe. ooo & today i rollerbladed to work & i was afraid i'd be late.. cuz i left home 10 mins b4 12 :X so i raced there & i got there on tiiiiime [and saw victor on the way] but i rolled in & the kids were laughing at me cuz i was so red :X & mrs. shieh was like "hahaha are you hot??" & i was sweating.. so i washed my face & then lalala :) it was fun.. i think i'll do it more often..

alritey, i must pwactice pianooooo :) awww i love singing.. but i wish i had a better voice!! hehehe. then i could become a christian music artist... rather than a missionary. HAHAHA that sounded bad... no, i like mission stuff A LOT but i stillllll wish i could sing. ok, i better zoom out b4 i make a fool of myself [which i'm very good at doing...]

kOnk.

2002-05-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

oooo the mixer was fuuuuun!! but awww i lost to adam (ok seeee i'm not a poor sport!! i admit it!!) i lost in the obstacle course once (we competed twice but he cheated once) and in jousting. haha i LOST... but i put up a good fight!! yeaaaa (^.~) & umm i cannot dance with lights. yay for tia who made a fool of herself with mike's blue lights :X konk. & i think i understand something about a square in waltzing :) hehe *shrugs* but ohhh the stars were so pretty at the mixer... well since it was outside.. if u looked up, there were lots of stars :) really nice. i liked.

mmmm tomorrow i have to woooork then i'm pretty much homefree.. but sunday... oi, wut a busy day. church, then dress shopping (i think i want yeLLow.. not bright, but kinda pasteL? i have noooo idea :X ) & then at 5, i gooo to watch euny/mike's last orchestra concert!! soo since church ends around 12:30, i have from like 1:30 till 4:30 to find a dress with my mom. ahh me :) i'LL have to race around like crazayyy~

okie, i yam tired. so goooderbye :)

the last word is... stars *

2002-05-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

awww wut a nice day :) but it made me tired. hehe.

we had some quaLityyy worship pwactice at church today :) i like tinkering on the pianooo during "overwhelmed"... but yea, i got dropped off at church at 6 [an hour b4 band] cuz my bro needed to go to school. so i brought my book and rollerblades. so i read for 5 mins & then i decided to rollerblade to tu's house... which is my old neighborhood [my neighborhood for 14 years.. where i grew up n stuff] so from church, i rollerbladed to valle vista [my old elementary school] and i went around and looked at the classrooms and the playground... and ahhhh i have suchhhh feelings of nostalgia lately... like this totally WISTFUL... almost paining... feeling rite here: <3. & i saw my kindergarten class & the bench i used to sit on. the tetherball courts.. so many memories.. sighs :) & then i stopped by my old neighborhood & it just sooo felt like home. then i saw tu [for the first time since last october] and it was really good to see her again :) i can't wait till we move back to our old neighborhood during the summer. i mean, this dinky lil duplex does have its sweet spots... haha few... but it's too small & i lived some of my hardest years in it... when our family struggled financially [during sophomore year and beginning of jr year it was seriously a month-by-month-trust-God struggle with our finances.. it was scary sometimes] and my parents' near-divorce, and so many other things... i've grown so much since i first moved here.

i remember my first day of high school i had no friends at gunderson. i sooo missed home & everything else. i hated the change. then the next year, i moved to leland. i didn't wanta be there AT ALL. i was sooo lonely... but it's amazing to see how far God has brought me. seriously, He blessed my life SO much. i mean, leland has been awesome... ok well i did freak out many times & pull all-nighters & not EVERYONE is super friendly.. but overall, i've met some AWESOME people [one of them happens to be my best friend for LIFE] and other brothers/sisters in Christ... and so many talented & future-famous people [hehe i just knowww it] & i totally know wut it means when it says in the Bible that "all things work for good" because God is good to us.

& so, even though i don't want to face change again... by going to college.. and all that again.. leaving some friends, keeping others, meeting new ones.... i know that i'll grow some more... learn new things... & find God everywhere i go, in all the different people i meet. i totally trust Him :) jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you.. plans to give you hope & a future".. the verse goes something like that :) but the basic gist of it... trust God.

but yea, i visited tu & it's awesome cuz she's the only one from my "old life" that i kept in touch with thru high school. we were best friends in jr high.. and it's so awesome... like no matter how long of a time we don't see each other for, it's like nothing changed. i do that with jamie too. some people are just sisters/brothers no matter wut. and time changes nothing. i love that.

& now i'm just remembering... like in jr high, i was sooooooooo immature.. i placed too high of a value on wut others thought of me.. i wanted to "fit in"... i had rumbles with so many girls... so much drama... lying to parents... i was a total loser.. but at the time, i thot i was so cool. and now, after 4 years of high school... i think i've come a long way since those old days. haha i sound like i'm all old. *grandpa voice* "when i was MY age"... hahaha jk (^.~) but yea, in jr high.. i used to try n look like i was all old... if you look at my old pictures, i look older than i do now. haha well in some ways :) maybe it was cuz of the way i dressed/ wutever.. but yea. the change was slow.. and it took lots of hardships & "reality checks" to make it this far.. but now i realize i still have a long way to go... but hey, i got my hiking boots & my Bible tucked under one arm... Jesus by my side. bring it on :)

loneliness has left me searching for someone to love
poverty has changed my view of wut true riches are
sorrow's opened up my eyes to see wut real joy is
pain has been the catalyst to my heart's happiness
this is the good life
i've lost everything
i could ever want & ever dream of
this is the good life
i've found everything..
here in Your {God's] arms
(by audio adrenaline)

this song means sooo much to me. cuz during times of loneliness, i tried out friends & stuff.. and they're all good n stuff but without God to fill that God-shaped hole in my heart, friends weren't sufficient. but now with God as the focus of my heart, friends add on to my happiness like never b4.. friends sweeten life. so loneliness drew me closer to God. & poverty... oh man, i wasn't starving ever or anything, but b4.. i'd always have so much.. i would neverrrrr think about price or ANYTHING. if i wanted something, i got it. then after my dad's businesses kerplunked with the asian stock market crash... so did our finances. i had to learn to prioritize... necessities came before simple "wants"... i couldn't spend as frivolously as i did before... i had to learn to pray & trust God to provide the money for next month's rent... it was TRYING times.. but it taught me so much... so much i took for granted... and i realized how rich i am... and how wealth is nothing... people place so much in acquiring wealth.. but for wut? to meet their own selfish wants? to indulge in selfish luxuries? i'd much rather be poor & enjoy wut i have and share it with others than to blind myself with my own wealth... wealth really blinds us. so thru poverty, i've learned to value certain things over others... like even in the simple things of life... like enjoying nature & God's beautiful artistry thru the stars & sunsets rather than spending allllll this money to have someone else entertain me [like at an amusement park or something]. it's amazing how God teaches us.

wut a long jurnoe entry :) but i had a lot on my mind/heart today. so much i thought about... i hope that as you sit & look around your room, you realize how blessed you are. & if you don't know God, know this: He loves you.

may angels lead you in... and now.. may they lead you out :)

the last word is... empty.
[empty me of all the empty things that i hoLd onto]

2002-05-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

hmmm i just got home from youth group :) & :P my last jurnoe entry was rather eh.

but... my brother got home & i wouldn't talk to him.. i was in bed sleeping & then my mom lent me her car to go to church [cuz i was being a stubborn girl & wouldn't go with my brother] & b4 i got there, i was feeling pretty lousy. mmm my mom was not too happy with me.. but i don't blame her. i was being a brat :P and i can be a very good brat if i want :X so on the way to church, i pass by the cemetery [really pretty.. oak hills?] where my grandma [dad's mom] is buried. on mother's day we left her lots of flowers. so today, i had this sudden impulse to just visit it again... really weird.. but i was in a really crummy mood so i stopped there. & the flowers were still nice. so i sat down & just started reading her tombstone [haha this sounds really spooky but it isn't/wasn't. it was a nice sunny day & the cemetery is really pretty.. well at least i think it is]. & i was just remembering how good of a christian she was & how she was the one who really got my dad to be christian.. and how maybe if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't be christian either. but the strange thing is, i've never met her. she died, a few years b4 i was born, of cancer. and she had a really hard life... but she was soooo strong in God... & even though i've never met her, she's totally my role-model. and my dad told me about how one time.. he stole & she found out. instead of yelling at him or something, she was crying & brought him to her room and told him to kneel & pray. and she prayed for him. he said after that, he could neverrr steal again. and other lil stories he told me... i just started remembering them all... & sitting there on the grass, i felt soooo ugh. like how selfish i am.. how i always see myself as the victim.. just total ick. as if the whole world revolved around me and just MY needs. & i remembered how she would always put her family first.. & God first.. even when she had cancer.. all that she's been thru.. and here am i... complaining about nothing. it was.. a moment of... i dunno. just awesome :)

so yea, things may not be better than when i left home today, but hey~ it's not about wut happens.. it's about how you deal with it :)

"ask God to carry your burden rather than remove it"~

2002-05-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

once a true beLiever, once there was a fire in your souL.. now you move in other circLes, to the beat of different drums, & i see onLy gLimpses of the one you used to be, the inspiration that you were to me. some are caLLing you a prodigaL, & some aren't caLLing you at aLL. but far away someone is caLLing you back home, but do you hear it anymore out there on your own?...
i miss the way His love wouLd dance in your eyes, i miss the way His heart was the souL of your life & somewhere in the saddest part of heaven's room, a Father sheds a tear for you.. He's missin' you too.

that song [above] by michael w. smith reminds me of so many people..

i got reallyyyyyy mad at my brother today. lucky euny got to hear me fume :P but really... i don't think anyone gets me more angry than he does sometimes. he really ruins his life... cuz this is how i see it. he acts like he's hardcore & he hangs out with people just like him [think they're hard] and he trips up into so much trouble. i really think, though, that he's insecure on the inside. he needs that "tough" crust to hide the weaker inside.. and this isn't something i'm just saying out of anger.. it's sooo true. & he falls so easily into the trap of peer pressure, tries too hard to fit in with people that are really nothing like him... & he doesn't understand how this is ruining his life. i got really mad at him & wanted to call him a lot of mean things.. but i just called him a screw up. and i know... it's easier to see the faults in others, rather than in our own selves... but he's really ugh lately... really defensive.. & anytime anyone tries to correct him [not me], he takes it as an attack on who he is. & he always has to be heard but doesn't listen to wut's being said back to him. i wonder if i do the same thing sometimes? i probably do.. but i guess it's different when you see it magnified in someone else. i really wish i could just OPEN his eyes & say HELLO IN THERE... sometimes, i really think he's on track... these are the times when he's plumb with God... other times, he values such petty things. AHHH and i SO know i'm being a downright hippo-crite when i say this stuff...

"begin with me, come & renew my mind... have you ever noticed how we love to give advice? we offer up suggestions without thinking twice. got 20/20 vision when we're watching someone else.. but it's a little blurry when we're looking at ourselves. i can't forget to check the mirror that's where i find the only one that He [God] wants me to change"~

point of grace sings that. & it's soooo true... but still, i can't help but feel like i just want to shake him. my mom isn't a christian.. & really, sons make or break their moms. i don't know why.. but mothers put so much into their sons.. yea, they love their children equally [usually] but they expect different things from each child. and my mom isn't christian.. so she doesn't have a solid hope founded in God... her everything is in my brother. like some with me, but the load is on my brother. & he doesn't understand that... or if he does, it hasn't HIT him. he can't grasp wut he puts my mom thru. & honestly, i think that if there's anyone in our family [me, my bro, my dad] that could lead her to Christ, it's my brother. she lets him slide on sooo much.. she gives him sooo many "second chances"... it's unbelievable.. she forgives him like no other... he hurts her more than anyone else, yet she still forgives him & grieves for him... i wonder if he knows that. probably not.

it's unrealistic to ask the Lord to do in someone else's life that which we are unwilling for Him to do in us.

i know that by pointing the finger at my bro, i have a million pointing rite back at me... but hey, that's cool with me. i knowwww i have problems. i really do. but even while i struggle with my own issues, i can't help but argh, wutever.

sjofiesjalkejfoesifjlkvjxckgj.

gosh i'm so impatient and alsjtelijlsekje someone just konk me over the head with something. I NEED A GOOD DOSE OF WISDOM RITE ABOUT NOW!

2002-05-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

i think my dark cycle is beginning again [the time of year when i slowly begin turning darker and darker... oi] the weird thing is that my skin is sooo light but it's just so easily tanned so ppl think i'm dark :P & my sunglass tan won't go away. it's not way noticeable but iii can see it hehe :) last nite, i was jumproping when the earthquake was shaking [haha duhh that's wut earth tremors dooo] & so i didn't realize it was an earthquake. gabe said i was jumping too hard :X wut a stinker. haha.

ooo we're watching beauty & the beast in spanish class :) i love that story. it's so aww hehe. we should watch fox & the hound next (^.~)

konk.. i have so muchhhh homeworkie to do today!! hahaha well not really.. just the gov ch review.. but but this is my first hw assignment since a long time. aww.. like since a week? besides studyin for fizz icks test. lah dee dah. i need to visit my pharmacist & ask if he has antibiotics for senioritis. well i don't reallyyyy have it but i kinda do. or maybe it's just that summer is sooo soon & i'm getting restless :) boogieboarding, rollerblading, learning how to surf, boating, wakeboarding/water skiing, humelake!!, kids' clubs!!, THE BEACH and THE BEACH and THE BEACH... ahhh wut would i do in a world without good ol' summer :)

umm i do not know how to saLsa :X but i doooo know how to eat it :)

boom shakalaka ~ that was random.. but remember that song by will smith? haha umm i used to like it in 6th grade.

you know wut's scary? i think i'm getting old :X cuz i remember i used to be able to say "yea, 4 years ago when i was in the 4th grade"... now it's like "4 years ago when i was a FRESHMAN" AHHHHH so 4th grade was more like 8 years ago now... do you realize how scary that is?! i remember AT LEAST 15 years in my head. my poor head.. so much to remember... but ahhhh :X i think i'm going thru denial rite now [hence, my other jurnoe entry] i can't be an adult. i'm almost 18 [& i know lots of my friends are already adults.. but oi... ME AN ADULT wut the wut.. well i still have a few more months to ACT MY AGE as a NON-ADULT hehe] i wish i was in the 6th grade again. i loved that year. science camp, raging waters, the FOURSOME [me, cathy, rachel, susanna], water fights, learning how to rollerblade... awww awww nostalgia... awww *konk*

today i got an email from haley.. our church band guitar player's daughter [haha phewww] she's sooo cute :) umm i do believe she is in 5th grade :) although, she is almost my height.. haha... speakin of which... so many of my lil cousins are passing me up.. it's so sad... my dad's side is sooo tall and so is everyone in my mom's family except my mom & grandma. & of ALL the people in the family line to inherit that SMALL gene... i got it. sighs :) i'm so lucky. [cough] ohhh but yes, back to haley... when church ends & we play the last song as ppl are leaving, she comes up to my piano & i hold her finger and she plays part of my left hand part.. it's so much fun :) but yea, she sent me an email today which i really liked... here's a part of it:
1. give God wut's right, not wut's left.
2. man's way leads to a hopeLess end, God's way leads to an endLess hope.
3. he who kneeLs b4 God can stand b4 anyone.
4. don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
5. we don't change God's message. His message changes us.
6. Plan ahead: it wasn't raining when noah buiLt the ark.
7. suffering from truth decay? brush up on your Bible.
8. he who angers you controLs you.
9. God doesn't caLL the quaLified, He quaLifies the caLLed.

some day she'll trust Him & learn how to see Him, someday He'll call her & she will come running & fall in His arms.. the tears will fall down & she'll pray "i want to fall in love with You, i want to fall in love with You"~ [by jars of clay]

i want to fall in love with You. (haha sowwie but notice that the Y on the You is capitalized :)

2002-05-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

oo la la, i just got back from rollerblading :) i love may. it's such a bee-you-tea-fooL month isn't it?? except the allergies part :X other than that, it's quite dandy. but yes, when i got to the lake, a lady & her kids were sitting on MY bench [yes i know, MYYYY BENCH!! how could they?! hehe jk] so i waited a bit and rollerbladed around.. then they left!! woohooo!! so i sat down but the sun was falling very fast so it got dark, so i came home :) i'll miss my lil trips to the lake when i go to college or when i move.. well i'll still be in san jose but i won't be within rollerblading distance of the lake [even tho i only like the lake at sunset time hehe] but yea, in college i'll have the beach i suppooooooose :)

but eh, speakin' of college... wahhhh i don't wanta go nemore!! i don't wanta grow up cuz baby if i diiiid, i wouldn't be a toys r us kid. that's suchhhh a sad song if you think about it... hahaha not really but it CAN be. *tear* ohhhh it's soooo sad!! hehe jk. but awwww can it be that i'm growing up so fast??? it seems like only yesterday & today that i was in high school.... hehehe wut's wrong with meeee.. but dude, sd is nice & all but but none of my super-dee-duperrrr close buddies are going and and i'll be so lonelyyy and and the beach is nice but it doesn't know how to talk. it just crashes & makes water sounds.. which is very nice.. but not the same. well ok, i have lalala friends going but ya know, not my BEST friend or mah blud sistahs ya know wut i be sayin yo? hehe. :) but we shall see. i'm just very anti-change i guess. i get so comfy in life... it's ok. God will see me thru. sighs :)

i've finally made up my mind to do that summer missionary thing again this summer :) it'll be cool to see all the kids from past summers again & this'll probly be my last year doing it... awwww... but it was such a great experience & way of serving... cuz it was really one of those stepping stones that headed me to look into missions stuff as a lifestyle :) oooo my favorite "clubs" [kids' clubs hehe] are in really run down apts in alum rock area... but i get to use spanish there cuz most of the kids speak spanish & ahhh they're sooo fun i love them. it's like mexico all over again (^.^)

hmmmm i wanta do so much this summer. not the usual sit-at-home lalala waste time thing.. but make it really meaningful... & i guess in the long run, that would be to invest my summer in serving God.. but i dunno how... my summer is gonna be LONG & i really wanta do stuff.. esp b4 i set sail. lalala.

giants are #1 rite now in their division. yeaaaaa that's my boys!! haha (^.~)

ohhhh & marisa, i got ur message today :*) that was so sweet. so you get a lil shout out on my jurnoe. hehe i love ya!! (note: this girl has an a-maze-ing singing voice. i'm going to steeeeeeaL it. but don't tell her.. & it's ok, she can't read stuff in parenthesis so she'll never know.. haha jk) but yea, thanks chiquita *wink* (^.~) ur my singing marisa-bird hehe.

speakin of singing, i'm gonna get to hear the all-famous hami sing someday!! hahaha YES. i tell ya, that boy is famous & world-renowned for singing. i can't wait hehehe.

that reminds me of another thing... "angeLs wiLL lead you in".. it was a song playing in mike's car today.. berry nice song but i dunno where the angels were leading the ppl into :X & speakin of mike, i kinda wanta do somethin.. like not to embarass him at sb.. but yea, to embarass him hehehe. well. no. just a thought. i'll probly never do it. but it's honk to just go & look nice & dance & come home & that's it. ya gotta make it interestiiiing haha. ohhh i picked my dress out. it's almost a neon green color & it has purple/pink polka dots on it. it's soooo nice. i can't wait to wear it!!! [ooo look. i didn't write "jk" so.. you dunno if i'm kidding or not!! woohoo!!]

ok, i'm done. this jurnoe is eh. all i do is rambLe.. and rambLe.. and rambLe.. and rambLe... and rambLe.. and.. you get the idea (^.~)

but yea, i had a niiice afternoon nap today :) ok, one verse to end this...
coLossians 3:23 "whatever you do, work at it with aLL your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men"~

the last word is... ANGELS WILL LEAD YOU IN [haha they've led you into my jurnoe.. now y'aLL git outta hee-yuh!! hahaha.. wait, that wasn't a word... oh wells. byebye & <3 ya]

2002-05-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

:) smile.

:)

:)

hehe. that was so cool.

2002-05-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

i finished "i kissed dating goodbye" yesterday... oh it's sooo good. everyone shouLd read it :) but ahhh i'm so excited. i got an email from sandra!! umm she's totally my role-model :) i met her on my birthday this past year at ccic cuz she was with a missionary team that was doing a program there & wowwww we still keep in touch!! :) i love her, she's like my big sister. & she's sooo smart & cool & so perfect :P unlike me. haha dude, she graduated from harvard & now she's going into bible translating and and i may go visit her in indonesia next summer!! she's taking linguistics too & wow, it's awesome how God brings these people into your life to encourage you :)

oooo i officially have a favorite spot at almaden lake. it's this one bench [sorry vic, not yours nemore :X hehe] that's almost rite by the water & the sand/dirt area.. and it has these posts that look like pier stuff... and it has rope around it. and you lean against the poles & if you look straight out, you can see the sun set behind the trees and reflect on the water. omigoshhh so pretty. something about me & water.. i just love it :) and i love almaden lake at sunset. so peaceful and sooo nice. i was feeling kinda crummy but i rollerbladed to the lake and had devotionals there. i'm starting to read all of john.. like i've read it b4 but now it's like the simplest stories hold sooo much meaning. like the water to wine story... jesus told the men to fill the jugs with water & because of their OBEDIENCE, it became wine... so even though we think that wut we do now is sooo little, a little bit of obedience to God goes a long way.. and sooo much more. i love finding God in quiet, beautiful places like that :) away from the drone of everyday life. sighs.

there's this one song by david crowder that's been stuck in my head for the longest time & it's become my prayer for the past week...
You are the only one i need
i bow all of me at Your feet
i worship You alone.
You have given me more than i could
ever have wanted
& i want to give you my heart & my soul.
for You alone are Father
& You alone are good [think about it... ONLY God is truly good]
& You alone are savior
& You alone are God [we make other things "God" in our life so many times]

yea :) & wow, i think yesterday was the first day that i sooo totally gave everything up to God. cuz i felt so burdened.. so much on my mind & i was being soooo self-centered... i just gave it all up to God... & He replaced my selfishness & my pride with somethin costless: His peace & His joy. & i realized. that's it. that's all i need. why ask for more? i'm sustained :)

total surrender to God. it's not defeat. it's victory. [think about that]

2002-05-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

i'm reading an awesome book called "i kissed dating goodbye"... this is an excerpt from it that made me cry this morning :*) well, a long excerpt.

i found myself in a room. there were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. they were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. but these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling & seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. as i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attnetion was one that read "girls i have liked". i opened it & began flipping thru the cards. i quickly shut it, shocked to realize i recognized the names written on each one.
& then without being told, i knew exactly where i was. this lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
a sense of wonder & curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as i began randomly opening files & exploring their contents. some brought joy & sweet memories; others a sense of shame & regret so intense that i would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. a files named "friends" was next to one marked "friends i have betrayed".
the titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "books i have read," "lies i have told", "comfort i have given," "jokes i have laughed at". some were hilarious in their exactness: "things i have yelled at my brothers". others i couldn't laugh at: "things i have done in anger," "things i have muttered under my breath at my parents". i never ceased to be surprised by the contents. often there were many more cards than i expected. sometimes there were fewer than i hoped.
i was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life i had lived. could it be possible that i had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? but each card confirmed this truth. each was written in my own handwriting. each signed with my signature.
when i pulled out the file marked "songs i have listened to," i realized the files grew to contain their contents. the cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, i hadn't found the end of the file. i shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time i knew that file represented.
when i pulled out the file marked "lustful thoughts", i felt a chill run thru my body. i pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, & drew out a card. i shuddered at its detailed contents. i felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
suddenly i felt an almost animal rage. one thought dominated my mind: "no one must ever see these cards! no one must ever see this room! i have to destroy them!" in an insane frenzy i yanked the file out. its size didn't matter now. i had to empty it & burn the cards. but as i took the file at one end & began pounding it on the floor, i could not dislodge a single card. i became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when i tried to tear it.
defeated and utterly hopeless, i returned the file to its slot. leaning my forehead against the wall, i let out a long, self-pitying sigh. and then i saw it. the title bore "people i have shared the gospel with". the handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. i pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. i could count the cards it contained in one hand.
and then the tears came. i began to weep. sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach & shook thru me. i fell on my knees and cried. i cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. the rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. no one must ever, ever know of this room. i must lock it up and hide the key.
but then as i pushed away the tears, i saw Him. no, please not Him. not here. oh, anyone but Jesus.
i watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. i couldn't bear to watch His response. and in the moments i could bring myself to look at His face, i saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go the worst boxes. why did He have to read every one?
finally He turned & looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. but this was a pity that didn't anger me. i dropped my head, covering my face with my hands & began to cry again. He walked over & put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. but He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
then He got up & walked back to the wall of files. starting at one end of the room, He took out a file & one by one began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" i shouted, rushing to Him. all i could find to say was "no, no" as i pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. but there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. the name of Jesus covered mine. it was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile & continued to sign the cards. i don't think i'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed i heard Him close the last file & walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder & said "it is finished".
i stood up, & He led me out of the room. there was no lock on its door. there were still cards to be written.

for sinners like you & me, there's good news: Christ paid our debt. He has covered our sin with His blood; He has forgotten the past. purity starts today. not one of us can stand completely pure before God. we are all sinners. but not matter how filthy the rags of our defilement may be, in a moment of true surrender the heart turned toward God loses its impurity. God clothes us in Christ's righteousness. He no longer sees our sin. He transfers Jesus' purity to us.

isn't that awesome? :*)

2002-04-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

i had to change my webbie for my jurnoe due to geocities' random randomness :P so until i figure out html stuffs (sigh, might as well learn now :) all the places where there used to be pixers on my webbie.. will now have beautiful lil squares :) enjoy.

2002-04-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

were you trying to get here like you said?
did your heart hurt when you let me down instead?
cuz if you stumbled towards the goal..
or tripped on things you can't control..
my disappointment doesn't lose its sting..
but your effort..
your effort changes everything.
~everybodyduck

2002-04-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

actually, i'm too lazy to write everything that happened at scc's concert [refer to previous jurnoe entry] but omigosh, if you ask me in person.. i think i can blab it out faster than i can type it (^.^) hehe but yes... i love keeping jurnoes.. like not just online but in writing... cuz i was reading thru my old journals today... & dude, in the beginning of this year, i was struggling so much... like.. i remember everything bad that was happening.. my bro moved, parents not getting along, loneliness... & i was seriously doubting God n stuff... it was pretty brutal.. but now that i look back, the reason why i was feeling so lonely & everything was cuz of myself. i was totally drawing away from everyone and everything... like with friends... i was so close to so many ppl in the beginning of the school year, & then i just totally withdrew. ppl like.. danC, jon, euny & omi [yea, i did a lil.. surprising huh?], edwin, karen... & i remember just being so achh with everyone. i have nooo idea why... but it was crazy stuff.. this whole "disillusionment" thing started at the beginning of october & lasted quite a while... until around the beginning of december i think. but it's kinda cool having friends that give you space when you need it & then totally embracing you when you come back. cuz no one was offended by my duhr-ness :) so yea, thanks guys. i don't think i've thanked y'aLL for that. pretty awesome. it's also weird.. cuz during that time, i sort of shrugged God off.... & it's kind of scary to think how cold and brooding i can get without God in my life. like seriously... omigosh, i'm so mean :X like i mean, i could be soo mean... & in a way, i withdraw from love sometimes. God, You are the best thing that's happened to me :)

i played piano during the offertory at church today since mrs.hopkins was on a trip... i played sCc's oooold song "his strength is perfect" & it was fine during first service.. but during service... i was thinking too much of how i would "perform" or how i would sound... i forgot that i play for an audience of one: God ... and that i play to hear only the applause of a certain pair of nail-scarred hands. i forget that too much.

hey, anyone who reads my jurnoe... we're having a mexico highlight night (like wut we did in mexico :) with a video & pictures & some testimonies.. if any of you wanta go, let me know :) i'd be happy to take ya along. speakin of mexico, some mcs guys came to our church today :) tommy & jeffy.. .well they said phong was supposed to come too, but he didn't show up. but yea, it was sooo good to see them again! i was surprised.. in a nice way :)

& hmm... i know i shouldn't feel this way AT ALL.. but i feel like a failure sometimes.. haha when my "human" side takes over.. cuz i went to my gramma's today & we told them i was going to ucsd.. & they were kinda disappointed... like they expected so much more from me... it's ok though... like i'm not tripping cuz i know there's always grad school & the way i studied during jr year, i'm actually luckyyy to be going to college at all. cuz calculus and chemistry grades were bad... like i totally did not even try in those classes... cuz during jr year [some of you know this] i went thru this whole thing of "why do i even try so hard"... & i totally lost focus... and then i didn't even take any sat's till this year... & my sat2 scores were crappy :) so yea, i'm lucky to be going to college at all. but still, i feel like i've let my family down. my parents are fine with it... they've been so awesomely supportive thru this all... yet, i can't help but feel a lil like a disappointment. but then here i go again, valuing other ppl's opinions. but i guess the thing is, i don't like letting ppl down... esp when they expect so much from me. *shrugs*

but then... there's so much more to life than this...

:) see this smile? no one can ever wipe it away. nothing can get me down. cuz i have something that keeps me smiling inside all the time. it's not about "a smile to hide the pain" anymore... it's about a smile that goes deeper... beyond anyone's reach.

ah me :) sighs.

2002-04-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

last night, we went to steven curtis chapman's concert at san jose civic center. oh boyy, it was so awesome. i think it was BY FAR the best concert i've ever attended. i don't think i've ever cried at a concert b4 either :X this is how it was...
i got to the civic center early with jon cuz we had general admission tickets, so we were saving seats :) & then eventually, evryone showed up.. but it was sooo funny cuz me & ali were pretending to tap each other.. well we WERE tapping each other hehe.. but jason [her bf] was sitting in between us.. & then she moved forward so i couldn't reach her & i had to reach around jason.. but i didn't realize that my arm ended up around his shoulder & ali was like oooo tia, wut do you think ur doing to my bf? & i was like ahhh ooooops haha.. it was funny but i was embarassed :) & then me and omi got "100.7 the bridge. more than music" tattoos on our cheeks. yes, we were walking billboards for that radio station. & i was sooo excited cuz nicole nordeman was opening for his act & she sang "every season". i think she sounds sooooo much better live. she was really funny too... & told us the story behind the songs she wrote.. or at least wut they meant to her.. which made the songs seem sooo much more personal.. i wish i could play piano & sing like her :) well after she opened, scc came out & he sounds reallyyy good live too!! ooo no time to finish story rite now :) i tell more later

2002-04-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

the relient k cd was the theme cd of our trip in mexico this year... and i just woke up right now... cuz oi, i started feeling really sick again :P but i had air one playing on my radio b4 i went to sleep & when i woke up "for the moments i feel faint" was playing.. and that was a song we totally reflected on in Mexico... never underestimate my Jesus... and all of a sudden, i felt like crying :X or i just had this heartache... and i started thinking about ivon and the kids in Mexico... wondering how they were doing... i really miss them... so if you're reading my jurnoe rite now, can you please just take a minute to pray for them? i don't know all of their names, but their faces i remember... and God knows their names... we had so many kids out there for the kids' club for 3 days... the kids we sang with, made crafts with, played monkey-in-the-middle with, played soccer, hugged, cried, laughed, kissed... i really miss them... and i don't know~ i find it really unfair that i go to school every day and eat three square meals a day and have so many luxuries.. when they don't... so please, if you're reading this, pray for them. i really miss them.

does your heart break for the things that break the heart of God?

2002-04-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

snore.

2002-04-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

AHAHA i'm reading up on ucsd residential rules for john muir.. and this is two of them...
Pets which live their entire lives under water each and every minute of their day are the only pets permitted in the residential facilities!
[looks like i'll have to train atom to live underwater hehe.. uhh if u didn't know, atom is my doggie (^.^)]
and..
Muir has a unique "windows" policy. With the tallest residence halls on campus (8 and 11 stories), nothing is permitted to be thrown or accidentally dropped from any window, balcony or rooftop for safety's sake. We'll bet you didn't know that an item tossed out of a tenth floor window will impact with a velocity of 55 miles per hour, and an apple thrown from the fifth floor hits the ground with a force of 188 pounds! The one and only exception to this policy? Bubbles!

oi.. i just realized.. i hope i get a cool roommate :X someone who isn't tooo messy.. cuz u know, if there were TWO of us that were messy.. that'd be a problem (^.~)

2002-04-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

wowww... mexico was the BEST this year... like even tho it was my 4th time... i think it gets better evry time & i learn a lil something more every time... on the way down, i thought our whole van would be konked out but HAHA noooo... we were singing b-i-n-g-o & crankin' up the music... ooo and i looooove punk music.. well, it's christian punk (^.~) relient K is hekkaaaa good. they're like one of my all-time fav bands now.. haha but yea, this year, i was really able to talk talk talk and listen listen listen... there was this one girl who was 15, Ivon, and dude.. she's my best friend in mexico... she has asthma & she couldn't buy her medicine for it.. even tho she was in the hospital last year for 8 months... so i bought her two inhalers called ventolín & she was soooo awed that i could just bust out with my money & buy it like that.. and then me & mike mazon, sr. took her grocery shopping cuz they hardly have anything to eat... and the first thing she thought of buying was veggies & fruits... cuz those are luxuries in mexico... and we had to walk a mile uphill to the market to buy it... so walking back, we were each carrying three hekka heavy bags.. but we bought ALL of that for just 13 bucks. isn't that crazy?? and if you pull out a twenty dollar bill over there, they're like omigoshhh whoa... & we had kids' club for 2 days & it was sooo much fun.. i think we had at least a hundred kids.. if not more.. the lil kids are super sweet. on the first day, mike jr had his guitar & after we were just singing at the top of our lungs with the kids hehe it was so much fun. & on the last day, one little girl who was 2 years old.. b4 she left to go back home with her mom, she gave me a kiss on my chin hehe.. and she ate a whole bunch of candy b4 that.. so it was a veryyy sticky kiss. & then i ran after the mom and handed her 5 dollars to buy wutever she needed.. dude, she was almost in tears.. for FIVE DOLLARS... sigh... and i sooo didn't wanta leave.. it was hard... but handing the families the keys to their new houses... they were crying.. so thankful... and it was sooo hard saying bye to Ivon... i told her it wasn't goodbye.. it was "hasta luego".. and we exchanged adresses & i told her i'd visit again... it's hard for her cuz she doesn't have many friends.. most kids around there are really young... i hugged her like 203539 times b4 leaving... and when i asked her why she was crying, she said "porque se van"... then we traded rings.. that was mexico in a nutshell.. if you wanta hear more about it... feel free to ask me.. i have LOADS of stories to tell...

and yup, when i came home from mexico i had 238539 rejection letters waiting for me :X but you know, i'm okay with it.. cuz even though i never thought seriously about going to san diego... i think i'd really like it there... i was just reading up on john muir college in ucsd.. and it seems realllyyy my kind of school... i'm really excited about college :) but my mom gets all teary when we talk about it.. she's like "awww ur going away".. and i am soooo grateful to have understanding parents.. i mean, of course they aren't perfect.. but instead of yelling at me for all those rejection letters, they were totally sympathetic and my dad gave me a hug & said "trust God's plan" and even my mom was really nice about it.. saying she was proud of me. i am sooo thankful for them.. and another good thing about sd is that it's closer to tiajuana :) easier to visit ivon & kit~

but meanwhile, i am sick :) even though i have TONS more energy today and i feel a whole lot better.. ugh yesterday was a nightmare... like, i got back from mexico on saturday night & i was really cranky and i had nooo idea why... we ate dinner when we got home around 9ish & then i went to sleep at 10.. then i woke up around 2am and throughout the night i think i "coughed up" stuff at least 9 times... and i couldn't even drink water and keep that down... i couldn't eat or drink.. and i was in soo much pain... i'll spare the details :) but it was brutal.. and then i was sooo weak yesterday and had a temperature of 102.5ish hehe i'm all exact.. and then i couldn't even get up from bed... & my mom bought some cool pedialyte freezer pops.. those are fun to eat (^.^) they taste good too.. so today, i'm still weak but i was able to eat finally :) so i have enough energy to blab away on here & do some homework hopefully.. and if things get better, maybe i'll even be able to go to school tomorrow :) but yes, i am tired now... my head kinda hurts... so byebyes :)

the last word is... ivOn.

2002-03-31T20:27:00.000-08:00

watching lil league baseball is soooo inter-usting!! (^.^) i watched my lil cuzzy nathan play yesterdayyy.. he got two walks.. hummina :) & hahaha my other cousin [we spent the whole day with them] is writing a story for her 6th grade young author's fair... her story is about a girl whose dad dies while building the great wall of china BUT the funny thing is... one of her brother dies.. but she starts crying because there's no more water to make tea.. and then it turns into this love story where they "breathlessly" eat pears hahaha and the title is "the pear tree"... soooo funny.. i was "editing" it for her and OMIGOSHH i died laughing. you see.. i'm dead now. i am tia's ghost :)

this morning, i woke up earlyyyy for the sunrise service at my church to play keyboard :) it was reallyyy cool seeing the sun rise.. but i was sooo tired.. so after i got home from church around 1ish, i totally konked out & forgot that i told omi we'd go to visit dan mats [uva!! haha grape slushie] before he left again for ucla tonight.. so she called around 4ish and woke me up hehehe. then i picked her up [ahhh illegally!! i hope no cops have my journal page... that'd be bad hehe] and we had sooo much fun acting stooooopid in the car!! hahaha and then we went to dan's house and decided to sit in the car [in the HOT SUN cuz naomi wanted to tan].. then we knocked on his door and his mom said he was at church, so we left for church... and then found out that he JUST left hahaa i felt like a stalker.. and then we drove back to his house and on the way there, danC/dave were behind us.. so i slowed dowwwwn and then they passed us up hehe.. and then we hung out with dan for a while hehe and then i drove omi back home & we hung out on her driveway talkin/singing. it was veryy fun :) i'm gonna miss that grapeboy!! he has the coolest parents! hehe OHHH and in the car, i was pretending to rap & i was like "riding down the street in my cadiLLac ride, with my lady by my side" & then i pointed to omi & she was like OMIGOSHHHH hahaha but look at this... she must've changed her mind... IceeLips (8:26:28 PM): TIA, U'RE WRITTEN ON MY HEART and YOU LIFT ME UP
tia tia star (8:26:39 PM): WHOA THERE
tia tia star (8:26:52 PM): like
tia tia star (8:27:01 PM): i know ur my woman, but
tia tia star (8:27:03 PM): hahahahahaha
IceeLips (8:27:07 PM): AHAHAHHAHAA
IceeLips (8:27:08 PM): nono
IceeLips (8:27:11 PM): i'm your lady
tia tia star (8:27:16 PM): OH YEA
tia tia star (8:27:17 PM): HAHAHA
IceeLips (8:27:20 PM): get it right!
IceeLips (8:27:23 PM): fo sho!

ahhhh just 6 hours b4 mexicooo!! i'm so excited :D i will sooo be a lobster when i get back :X ummm here starts my dark cycle.. cuz during the summer, i am soooo dark... ppl think i'm like filipino.. or hahaha like janey thot i was hawaiiian???? when she first met me.. wow i just realized.. why didn't i apply to the university of hawaii?? ohhh but i won't get dark if i uhh take ham's advice & wear LOTS of clothing.. and a face mask.. and yea... hehehe OMIGOSH his name is officially butcher now.. wanta hear a joke he told me?? [good, cuz i'm telling you neway haha]... knock knock. who's there? BUTCHER. butcher who? BUTCHER arms around me honey & hold me tight!! AHAHAHA ohh i dunno why but that reminds me.. today at church, gabe came back from college for a while & we were talkin about 2 summers ago when he illegally let me drive his car [i do lots of illegal things don't i? :X] & i was soooo bad!! he was sooo scared cuz he thot we were gonna crash hehehe & after i "parked", he was like "omigoshhh!! never again!!" haha but it's all good, cuz now i have my license.. & i can drive with NO hands, rite omi?? AHAHA

i'm soooo excited!! euny got tickets to the giants/a's game on june29!! yeaaaaaaaaaa (^.^)

the last word is... ADIOS. SOIDA. SODA POP. [figure THAT one out (^.~) hehe that is a combo of spanish, omi, and tia]

2002-03-28T23:20:00.000-08:00

*smiLe* it's finally spring break... i had two tests today & i think i did really bad on fizz-icks... but that's all past now :) band practice was awesome today.. really fun. i just got off the phone with euny & i've really been thinking about a lot of stuff lately... but mm.. i dunno exactly how many people read my jurnoe.. but if you do, then you know i talk a lot about God on here... and you know, i can't help it... He's everything i am... He's my every breath, every beat of my heart... He's my hope, my life... i can't separate me from me. He's so much a part of my life... like closer than family or closer than a best friend... He's so much in my life that now.. they are one in the same. it's kinda scary to think about... but really, without God.. i'd be soo heartless. i'd be nothing but "mind"... cuz at the times that i fall away from God, the first evident signs of this [to me] is that i start to isolate myself from other people & shun ppl... i stop caring about others... and i become really self-centered. i think that, honestly, i'm a really cold and indifferent person... but if everrrr anyone has commented that i had a "good heart" or that i was nice.. it's not me... i can't explain it... i can only be like this because of God. & i know lots of people... they get tired of hearing so much about God God.. like i'm obsessed with God or something... but that's not what it's about... it's like i've been cured.. cured of coldness & indifference.. because of the love God showed ME. & you know, this love is for everyone... not only me, not only "christians"... it's for EVERYONE.. the only difference is.. i've opened/received God's gift of love... everyone has this gift sitting on their laps.. open it.. & if you don't know HOW to open it, ask me. i'd love to tell you about it... like no matter wuuuut i'm doing, i'd drop it & just talk with you. cuz life is so meaningless and empty if we have no hope or no reason... and my reason can be summed up in word [can you guess wut it is?]: God. & people think that christians are chaining their freedom... like it's an institution that robs us of freedom... it's not. cuz for me, it's FREEDOM FROM FEAR. knowing that GOd is over my life, i don't have to fear... my future is in His hands... and when i die, i'm going to heaven. it's not cuz i'm so special or anything... it's just cuz i've accepted God's gift to me which was embodied in Jesus Christ, who died ONCE AND FOR ALL on the cross [for the sins of the world]. i have no fear of death... i have no fear of anything. that, to me, is freedom. freedom from the bondage of sin.. that's freedom. i think sometimes people think that christians wear rose-colored glasses or something.. but really, i think the minute we're born, we have these dark shades put over our eyes... and from day one, the world starts to tell us wut we should believe and how we should act... to me, having a relationship with GOd removes those shades from my eyes. people may think i'm the blind one.. but i'm not. i see more clearly when i see with the eyes of my heart. & with the whole college process thing... i've noticed how shallow and meaningless so many things are... and how much value we put in transient things like college or wutever else. the world offers me nothing... it's so sad.. but "success" and everything the world offers is like cotton candy. it looks so filling and so enticing... but put it in your mouth.. it melts.. and it's NOTHING. & it sooo breaks my heart to see people who go thru life without hope... i don't want to bombard anyone with this.. but if you want to talk to me, let me know. i really wanta share this with everyone... and let you know how you can have a relationship with the God of this universe... He wants to meet with you... & offer you peace, love, joy, faith, hope... will you accept it? i can't begin to express how much my life has changed because of God... even if you just wanta question me about diff stuff, let me know. don't be shy or afraid to ask me :) i won't "rar" at you hehe. thanks for reading this.. if you got this far :)

the last word is . . . heart.

2002-03-25T17:22:00.000-08:00

wowww =] i went rollerblading to the lake today.. for the first time in a while since it rained this weekend... & i sat on my favorite bench & i brought my journal, bible, and devotional book thing with me... & i called euny on my cell and we talked n stuff. ppl walking by thought i was talkin to myself i think.. cuz my hair covers my phone so they were lookin at me weird.. but then i'm used to weird looks i guess.. haha jk but it was neat =] hehe & she was practically there too cuz she heard the ducks quacking n everything (^.^) but yea, the lake isn't super nice or anything.. it's ok .. but it's really peaceful & i can do a lot of reflecting there. i keep my rollerblades on while i sit on the bench... but the bench is like on a hill thing so my legs dangle & the rollerblades get heavy hehe. mmm i just realized.. that i notice the most random things lately... it's strange. hehe. OH & i must be retarded or somethiiing but i did NOT know that canadian geese ate grass. i thought they ate a certain variety of plants & other duckfood.. but GRASS?

we finally finished the gameshow today at lunch... wut would you do for love?? afterward, me & lindsay were like YES FINALLY IT'S OVER.. NEVERRR AGAIN. haha cuz wut a hassle it was... but it was really funny to watch... the girls put makeup on the guys haha it looked really umm pretty & then each couple chose a song to sing/dance to... i think geoff and becky's was the best... elephant medley from moulin rouge. hehehe. but scooore it's over.

hmm i wanta rollerblade back to the lake in 30 mins to watch the sun set... cuz today is a partially cloudy day... & you know wut they sayyy... the most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies. oooo but my favorite kind is when the clouds are all weird so it looks like trampled snow.. like kids stepped all over it.. you know how the clouds look like that sometimes? but yea, when the sky is like that & the sun sets, it's super pretty =] but then, cloudy skies means no stars at night... so hmmm there should be a comprompise =]

& hmmm even though i have 6 more schools to hear from... imposssssible schools.. i kinda wanta go to ucsd now... not that it's the greatest school haha but.. aww the beaches... and john muir college is riiight by the beach... & dude, if i rollerblade to the LAKE to read/stuffs, i can sooo imagine myself walking or rollerblading to the beach & sitting on the sand... & staying there the whole day to do my hw n everything else... i'd spend the night there haha.. and boogieboard at night =X no actually i won't do that.. but awww san diego... why can't ucsd be an ivy league? haha mmm..

the last word is... undecided.

2002-03-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

this is an email i got today... the most interesting one, in fact, that i have received for a looong time... haha.

Dear Pokemon Master TiaChu,
Your Pokemon, Anqita, has recovered after fainting two
days ago. His health is currently at 65/100 HP and
will steadily recover. Please take care of your
pokemon more carefully next time and return him to the
Pokemon Rehab Center as soon as he faints during
battle. Thank you for using PokEXPRESS-- your leader
in Pokemon services.

PS your pokemon says: HooohOOOOOO I can eat again
without puking!

2002-03-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

hello. here i am writing on here for the second time today? i seriously do not know wut to do with myself.. i told myself i'd stay home tonight and relax for a change... but i think i forgot HOW to relax and not have stuff to worry about... i'm so used to running around & getting stuffs done.. my room is crying to be cleaned, but *grunt* let it rot! haha jk that sounds gross :P hmmm i really feel like playing piano... somethin about rainy days brings out the music in me hehe... i think i'll try writing a song in spanish for the mexico trip~ i haven't sat down at the piano & written songs for the longest time... i think i'll do it after i clean my room =] i'm feeling really perky cuz i just took a 2 hour nap which was niiice... ok no more typing on here.. cuz i'm just trying to postpone cleaning my room... ahhh dude, when i was little, i used to looove cleaning. i'd clean my room like 2385738 times a day & it was soo clean... but now.. umm well, yea, let's just say it's NOT so clean anymore (^.~)

rar.. i think i need relaxing lessons... or maybe i just need more practice hehe (^.^) cuz u know wut they say... practice makes perfect.

2002-03-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.getfed.com/texts/topics/friendship/friend.shtml

read the poem on this website. it's really cute.

2002-03-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in here since the cows came home! =X hehe.. today was a rather hectic day... i was really frustrated during lunch [sowwie to those who had to listen to me rant, lindsay & omi hehe] cuz yea, so much preparation & i missed bowling during first period.. and i felt like a flake.. like yea~ but oh well... blame the weather i GUESS =] cuz i really don't like it when i say i'm gonna do something & then it gets postponed or something. i'm kinda impatient like that i suppose =] but i cancelled playing the keyboard & leading worship for club jesus cuz of it too.. & i felt really bad.. since i'm the music coordinator.. but then i was walking over to club during lunch with omi & i was feeling rar so we turned back... & then it felt weird to just be sitting outside with everyone so i left for club.. & then it was soooo weird... i do'nt think morgan was talking to ME haha.. but before we sang "this is the air i breathe", he was like "make God like the air you breathe... you should be breathing for no one but Him.. and anything that you put before God in your life, you should think twice about... He should be ur top priority"... and now i say this.. neverrr again will i make asb priority over worshipping God.

but yes, today is rainyyy =] & the rain is cool sometimes but awww it better not be raining tomorrow morning [even though i think it probably will] cuz i wanta see my lil cousin nathan play little league baseball (^.^) he just started a few weeks ago & it was hard for him at first... buuuut he has improved soooo much & last weekend he hit a double & got player of the week =] wut a cool kid. i love him. hehe... & my other lil cousin, rachael, is singing in her school's musical for "oliver twist"! mm i love lil cuzzies.. they're cuties =] nathan is 10, rachael is 11.. soon to be 12!! on monday in fact =] & on my mom's side.. my lil cousin leslie is 5 and her lil sister elisa is almost 2 years old (^.^) even though sometimes i wished i had cousins my age.. but that's ok =] hahaha dude, i brag about my lil cousins like they're my kids =X i'm gonna be a terrible mother for bragging....

umm ok that was random. the fashion show yesterady was fun-funny =] & danmats is back in towwn!! yayyy =D & i'm going to mexico in 1 week and two days!! yeaaaaa =D i really don't want school to end now... i want it to go on and on and on like the energizer bunny (^.^)

friends sweeten life... i really like this phrase.. it's so true =]

2002-03-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

umm i had a lot to say.. but i suddenly forgot cuz i am tired. so goodbye. & till next time... i'm mr. rogers.
*cool music in the background*shows mr. roger's neighborhood*shows the train*ties his shoes & puts on jacket & goes out the door*

i think i said all of that in the wrong order hehe. but aww i used to always watch mr. roger's in kindergarten. i raced him to see if i could beat him at tying his shoes [he was pretty darn fast] & i liked the sissy tiger puppet the best. hehe.

2002-03-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

hehe dude, ryan is the bestest speech coach!! he's soooo creative & soooo knee-slapping funny!! woww & he totally gets you excited about ur piece!! wut a contrast to mr. i-am-a-stoic-person, kraft!! :X sorry if someone is reading this & you actually umm like kraft's coaching style.. but he's very.. hmmm like this is him in one picture... [*brooding face* "grunt. you suk. do'nt waste my time."] haha well.. maybe he was like that to me cuz i was 15 mins late... but ahhh i rollerbladed there.. and then he gave me his brooding face the whole time.. and he did that to euny/mike too! but YES on the more positive side, ryan is the best! (^.^)

wow, wut a busy day... after school, i came home, showered, went back to school for speech, and then came home, ate dinner, left for band practice, stopped by tui's house [who wasn't home.. rar... & i stopped by yesterday too.. she wasn't home!] & then finallyyyy i am home... & i am tired.

ooo & i learned cool stuff at greg's house bible study yesterdayyy :] being the salt & light... salt preserves things... so we're supposed to preserve our morals & the truth we know... & light.. we're to be examples... whoaa never thot of it that way b4... i thought salt was like... we add flavor to the earth cuz evryone else tastes bad haha [shrugs] but then again, God doesn't eat us... so hmm i make no sense... rar =P but ohhhh also... dang i forgot the name of that one game.. [haha i am so video-game-illiterate] it's that new box game thing with that cool mario game thing hahaha... & umm yea... jiggLypuff is soooo cool on there!! i got 1st place three times!! and hehehe i didn't even know wut the buttons did.. i just madly pressed all of them while playing. and i didn't even know if i was dying or doing good... & then at the end, it was like JIGGLYPUFF #1!!! yeaaaaa (^.^) so fun hehe.

tip from tia: on all fighting video games, i guarantee you will win if you just press all the buttons reallyyy reallyyyy fast and keep moving. [unless ur really good & you actually know wut ur doing... but even then.. my theory is better! hehe jk]

the last word is... sunrise [cuz i wanta wake up early enuf tomorrow morning to go see it! like rollerblade to the lake & see it.. but then, i get all these crazy notions into my head.. and once i wake up in the morning, i'm like 'uhhh... *kOnk*.' & i'll bet moneyyy that'll happen tomorrow morning. well, i'll bet myself and see how it goes (^.~) hehe]

2002-03-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

waiting for GOd's perfect love~
everyone longs to give themselves to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved thoroughly & exclusively; but God, to a Christian, says:
No, not until you are satisfied & fulfilled & content with living & being loved by Me alone. I love you my child & until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me~ exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires & longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing. One that you can't imagine.
I want you to have the best. please let Me bring it to you. just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing. Keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things that I tell you.. you must wait. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.
Then when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any would dream. You see, until you are ready & until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. until you are both satisfied with Me & the life that I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me... this is perfect love.
& Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially & concretely the everlasting union of the beauty, perfection, and love I offer you with Myself.
I want you to know that I love you utterly.
My love is sufficient for you.
I am God Almighty.
Believe & be satisfied.

2002-03-09T20:53:00.000-08:00

wow.. i was preparing for the lessons i'm supposed to teach in mexico during spring break.. and i started looking thru my closet for cool lil stuff to use as visuals.. and i found this old devotional book i used to read... & i started reading it.. this is one story from it...

"The Tightrope & the Wheelbarrow"
this story is told of a great circus performer by the name of Blondin who stretched a long steel cable across Niagara Falls. During high winds & without a safety net, he walked, ran, & even danced across the tightrope to the amazement and delight of the large crowd of people who watched. once he took a wheelbarrow full of bricks & amazed the crowd by pushing it effortlessly across the cable, from one side of the falls to the other. Blondin then turned to the crowd & asked, "now, how many of you believe that i could push a man across the wire in the wheelbarrow?" the vote was unanimous. everyone cheered and held their hands high. they all believed he could do it! "Then," asked Blondin, "would one of you please volunteer to be that man?" as quickly as the hands went up, they went back down. not a single person would volunteer to ride in the wheelbarrow & to trust his life to Blondin.
[many people say to Jesus, "yes i believe!" if you are among those who say that, are you willing to demonstrate your belief by trusting your life to Him? are you willing to get in the wheelbarrow and to risk everything on your faith? that's wut it means to believe. faith is not just an intellectual exercise. it involves total commitment]

woww.

2002-03-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

wow i just realized.. when i'm at work tutoring kids.. sometimes i really zone out & i'm still talkin to them.. but i don't really notice. hmm i don't think that's a good thing =X hehe but some kids are sooo cute.. like their lil outfits and stuff. haha & wut they talk about.. geez, i wish i was a lil kid again..

but yeaaa i looove rollerblading. it's so fuun (^.^) but i think i need new blades now. i've had these since... 7th grade? haha and i've only changed the wheels once. it's Old Faithful. (^.~)
hmm i really miss playing softball now. hehe sometimes during season i was like uhhh can't wait till season is over.. and now i'd pay money to be able to play. hummina =]

ahhhh i can't wait till spring break!! (^.^) mexico mission trip! bust out with my uhhh spanish skills yea haha.. i think ap made my spanish speaking worse actually.. but we shall see.. i ahve to teach bible lessons the whole week ALL in spanish!! =X major preparation will be needed. yesyes.

rar, state quals in one week and i still haven't memorized my piece or timed it or ANYTHING. if i don't get it done.. i'll have to use my old piece.. which would stink majorly cuz no judges seem to like it.. except one lady.. maybe i should've picked a different event than hi =P but hahaha scu2, me & linshuang are doing duo... WAITING FOR GODOT yeaaa baby!! hehehe.. it's summer reading for english... hmmm wouldn't it be funny if we broke.. even if it was just to semi's hahaha

mmm i wish it was summer =] i wanta go boogieboarding.. and take more surfing lessons.. i love the beach.. ooo went shopping with laurenee yesterday & i touched this picture frame made of lead & it had a warning label that said "wash hands after handling this. it contains a chemical that has been known to cause cancer and yadi yadi" but there was no nearby bathroom.. so haha if i have cancer in a few years.. y'aLL know why =X but b4 we went shopping, we looked at apollo ohno stuff online. pretty hilarious how much ppl are obsessed with him hehe

ahaha wow, i just read wut i wrote up here.. & my mind can never stay focused.. jumps from one thought to another.

ok, the last word is... boogieboarding [cuz that's wut i wanta be doing rite now =]

2002-03-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

this is the translation for the song in my profile. it's really pretty.

desde la oscuridad veo el soL de un nuevo dia
[from the dark i see the sun of a new day]
naciendo en mi
[being born in me]
desde la oscuridad el amor me a saLvado
[from the dark, the love to me saved.. hehe sowwie that there was terrible translation]
ha sido de ti
[has been of you]
.. con tu mano en la mia mas fuerte estare
[with your hand in mine i'll be much stronger]
quizas mi paso es lento pero yo llegare
[perhaps my step is sLow but i'LL arrive]
caminemos juntos quiero compartir
[we'LL waLk together, i want to share]
eL miLagro que has hecho en mi
[the miracLe that you've done in me]

maybe it's just me.. but i think songs in other languages are so much nicer sounding (^.^)

2002-03-06T22:34:00.000-08:00

rar.

kOnk.

wow, i'm so lazy.. i don't even write on here anymore. i just write brief statements. hmm or maybe i'm just busy.
yea.. that's it. i'm not lazy. i'm just too busy (^.~)

i need more humility & patience. i'm a dork hehe

2002-03-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

i've just noticed lately... how people have no fulfillment in life.
if i could name the top three things people want in life, ultimately it'd be love, security, happiness.
if only they knew...
all three, & more, is just a prayer away...

2002-03-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

estrella, byuL, etoile, estelle, stella, xingxing, star...

anyone know how to say star in any other languages?

bring it on.

2002-02-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

it's kinda funny... how you think ur past is behind you. but sometimes the past can come back at unexpected moments... & in that moment, all the hurts and scars you thought you left behind come rushing back... & you realize... it still hurts. it will always hurt a lil. you'll always cry when you remember. but one thing we have to remember... is to keep going. don't keep living in the past.

yea, the past still hurts. time may heal wounds, but those wounds will never quite be forgotten.
guilt... regret... remorse... helplessness... don't let these consume you.

time isn't the greatest healer. GOd is.

journey to the past. that was today.
cry if you must.. this world will never be perfect.
cry for what was lost, cry for betrayal, cry for hypocrisy, cry for harsh words, cry for what will never be, cry for the pain, cry for old friends, cry for getting what you didn't ask for...
& then move on.

"i know i've got an enemy waiting who wants to bring me pain, but what he never seems to remember.. wut he means for evil God works for good. so i will not retreat or surrender. now i don't want to sound like some hero cuz it's GOd alone that my hope is in. but i'm not going to run away from the very things that wouLd drive me closer to Him"

the last word is... remember.

2002-02-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

i don't think i've ever been this sick before. wow. the past two days were horrible.. now that i can actually sit up and do stuff, i'm trying to finish some hw... but ugh, i have to make up two tests and an in-class essay when i get back... and i feel soooo weak.. like i already feel really tired from typing. haha and i was trying to write jamie a letter yesterday, since i had time, but i wrote "dear jamie.. ok im' tired bye" hehe. and yay, i finally had enough energy to shower today too =X i know i know stinky stinky.. but not my fault that i was stuck in bed.. rar. ok my head hurts. byebye =] it's boring being stuck at home doing nothing..

the last word is... olympics.
[i wish i was a figure skater hehe. i remember me & lindsay used to pretend we were skaters.. and i'd be kristi yamaguchi, and she'd be nancy kerrigan. sigh, hehe]

2002-02-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

on the ride home from stanford tourny yesterday, i was feeLing reaLLy bad.. cuz i reaLized wut a pOor loser i was being. cuz geez, during finaLs round i was being sooo incredibLy dumb.. i sat there & compared my speech to everyone eLse's & wondered how i couLd not have broke against them. now, looking back, i can't beLieve i totaLLy stOoped to that low level of ____ [can't think of the wOrd =] but you know wut i mean hehe. & so i wanta apoLogize to anyone who had to listen to my buLL abOut aLL that. i mean, i onLy toLd SOME ppL but stiLL... that's the worst.. to lose & not ONLY to lose, but to lose on the inside too. & yea, i'm TOTALLY thankfuL i even broke to semi's now.. sowwie again!! =] i know better than that. <3 ya!

giving thanks to God in EVERY situation =]

but yea, on saturday we were at gunn for a tourny & it was really fun =D i had a nice talk with euny & i looooove lychee pearl tea!! it's really yummy =9 ohhhhh but me & janey still didn't make petunia's boyfriend petri!! ahaha dagnabbit. i met lots of cool ppl from seattle & utah from the tourny. there was this one guy that did bunnicula for HI & he was sooo funny & had really really blue eyes it was cool. and this other dude from utah played the mandolin & i met these girls from hollywood who said that northern cali ppl were weird cuz they say "hekka" and "hella"... i don't say hella, but i say hekka =X ahhh i'm a statistic haha. & i met neato ppl from lynbrook.. and el torito? i think that's wut amy told me hahaha... but yea, i never ask for names.. or i do & then i 4get... then for semi's on sunday, we went to STANFORD! wow, wut a pretty campus.. and it was my first time there. hehehe we bought jamba juice & i told the cashier my name was Goldilocks & i don't think he knew how to spell it =X haha it's ok. impromptu was really fun on saturday. my topics were tom brady [omar saved my life on that topic.. cuz he was telling me about the patriots rite b4 my round and lo & behold, rite when i walked in, that was my topic haha great], then i spoke about expensive restaurants & girls gone wild [except i didn't know it was a movie hehe]. hi went pretty well.. but *sob* i didn't win a waterbottle (^.~) & yea, i had lots of fun this past weekend.ohhh yea & it's cool to re-meet ppl at tournies.. you know them by face & it's like ahhh i know you! hehe. ok i wish i got more serious about speech last year =X but oh well.. it was either that or softball... lalala (^.^) i'm kinda getting lazy about writing on here now =] but ahhhh euny/mike got first place for duo! yay!! they do the lion king.. it's hilarious. OHHHH and i'm so excited. i finally have a judge i can bring to tournies!! she used to be my small group leader at church, michelle!! & she did expos in san diego back in high school & got 3rd in state! and sooo yeaaaaaa!!! =D she's awesome i love her.

& how is it that i always hear wut i need to hear rite when i need to hear it?? on sunday, the sermon was great =] i still have to share it with euny. but yea, wowwww God is AWESOME.

oooo & i have yale interview today =X so i have to go back to palo alto AGAIN today.. that's 3 days in a row yo. not cool haha. college stress is totally over now.. except for scholarships & i looooove this freeeedom! (^.^) ohhh and another cool thing about stanford tourny that i should be totally thankful for.. is that semi's round started at 2pm instead of in the morning.. cuz if it was in the morning, i would've have been able to go.. so GOSHERS, wut the wut was i complaining about?!! wut's wrong with me... GOd sends me a blessing & i complain about not getting more =P i sooo disgust myself. but the past is past =] i've learned my lesson. i guess i had a test of character yesterday.. and i failed miserably.. i'll do better next time =]

empty me of all the empty things that i hold onto~

the last word is... goldilocks.

2002-02-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

yayyyy look at me & euny's cooL picture (^.~) yeaaa we're pointing at the sky hehe. we stole mike's sunglasses & it was sooo funny cuz mike/leo were taking random pictures with cool cars.. and so we tagged along too (^.^) so yup!! this was at logan tourny... it was so freaking cold.. i was wearing like 4 layers!! haha oh well, i was nice & toasty =D more pictures from speech tournaments yet to come =D stay tuned! cuz this weekend is stanford tourny & i'm bringing a camera with me this time =D yeaaaaa and then there's state quals [if i go] and lalala =D yipee. fun stuff.

2002-01-28T16:45:00.000-08:00

i heard this story in church yesterday...

a girl was visiting a canyon with her family. she got into an arguement with her brother & when he left, she yelled, "i hate you!" then she heard a voice... "i hate you"... it was her echo. it sounded so angry and unpleasant; she did not like it at all. so instead, she shouted, "i love you!" and it was echoed back to her.
in life, what you "shout" is what will be "echoed" back to you... if you despise, it will echo back... if you love, love will be returned to you...

neat, huh?

2002-01-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

sometimes i want to say something but i can't because i guess i fear you in some ways.. in other ways, i know it'd be useless & you'd get all defensive. sometimes i do what i don't want to do... i know what's right, yet i do the opposite. sometimes i always see the fault in others but i don't see it in me. sometimes i wish i could just tell you how much you hurt me.. i bet in some ways you wouldn't even care. sometimes i wish i could get it through to you and open your eyes to see how childish you are... how utterly selfish and cruel you are. sometimes you don't even act like someone i know.. you act like someone who hates me.. someone who wants nothing but bad for me. sometimes i want you to listen to yourself speaking and imagine someone else saying that to YOU... how would you feel? torn? hurt? cuz yea, that's how you make me feel when you say those things. sometimes i try and remind myself that i need to stop being so mean to you... but it's so hard to be kind and patient with someone who constantly cuts at your heart, isn't it? sometimes i know that there's nothing that prayer and God can't fix... but other times, head knowledge just doesn't reach the heart. sometimes i wonder where i went wrong.. because i remember long time ago, we used to be so close.. i looked up to you... and i wanted to be like you someday... i hoped that we'd be friends for the rest of our lives... i want to place all the blame on you, but i can't.. cuz i know it was my fault too. sometimes i wish you could see me.. when i'm all alone.. and not with you... when you say those things to me, i put up a hard front.. i really do... i put up my wall of pride and indifference and harshness... then when you leave, that wall crumbles.. and all that's left is me... broken and in tears. sometimes i notice you do the same... why do we do that to each other? in all honesty, i don't want to be like you when i'm older. i don't. but i feel that if i leave this problem unresolved, i'll pass it down without meaning to. i know that forgiveness and humility is more rewarding in the end & that it gives me more of a sense of freedom... but i cling so tightly to my pride and hard feelings... i wish i wouldn't. maybe that's why i wish i was a kid again... so forgiving and forgetful... so loving... so naive.

2002-01-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

the wisest words i have ever uttered...

tia tia star (4:43:53 PM): the comma dreams of becoming an apostrophe one day
tia tia star (4:44:04 PM): and the prideful apostrophe will one day fall
tia tia star (4:44:10 PM): and become as the comma
tia tia star (4:44:17 PM): and the parentheses of its life will close
tia tia star (4:44:31 PM): and the sentence of its life will finally be ended by a period
tia tia star (4:45:07 PM): to some, death can be a semicolon
tia tia star (4:45:12 PM): to others, death is the period
tia tia star (4:45:15 PM): which will it be for you?
tia tia star (4:45:37 PM): will others remember you as teh question mark or the exclamation mark?
tia tia star (4:45:42 PM): carpe diem~ seize the day!!

ahahaha don't mess (^.~) that's some deeeep stuff there!

tia tia star (4:47:59 PM): whoa ho ho i am a poet
tia tia star (4:48:06 PM): and you just know it
tia tia star (4:48:15 PM): i tell myself to slow it
tia tia star (4:48:22 PM): but i keep to flow it
tia tia star (4:48:41 PM): and the ppl says whoa it
Dc 4 jC (4:50:46 PM): what is wrong with u
tia tia star (4:51:19 PM): nothing (^.~)
tia tia star (4:51:21 PM): i'm just a poet

2002-01-20T21:10:00.000-08:00

i have no voice!! ahhhhhh!! hehe i'm talking with euny on the phone rite now & she has no voice either. we're whispering =]

i had my cornell interview today at starbucks and it was soooo cool.. my voice was fading but that was ok (^.^) & we talked about stuff haha.. yea, and woohooo i didn't have to drink icky coffee!!! cuz starbucks has hot cocoa which i didn't know about!! yayyy =D & yea, this interview was SUCH an answer to prayer cuz the interviewer was christian tooo!! so when i was telling her why i chose linguistics and wut i wanta do in the future, it was soooo cool!! yeaaaa!! she was telling me how it's sooo purty at cornell & how she'd stay up with her friends until 4 in the morning eating ramen noodles . cornell sounds really neato like a frito & i would LOVE to go there!!

but then again.. it's ALL IN GOD'S HANDS YO. NO DIGGITY. hehe.

2002-01-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

we had logan speech tourny today & it was my first tourny of this year, and my first tourny doing HI. it was so hilarious.. i was totally impromptu-ing it =] we had fun.. and ate soooo much today ugh haha. ohhhh & me n janey made "petunia", our girl food girl. with our leftover lunch, we made a face... omg it was sooo cool hahaha. & then me, euny, mike, & leo were walking around the parking lot during break and they were looking for cool cars to take pictures with (^.^) & ahhhh i finaLLy know wut msg tastes like... ewww reaLLy saLty!! & i like peach miLk tea pearl things.. but i get sick of it fast... ooo speakin of being sick, i think i'm sick now. i was losing my voice during my speech & my throat hurts.. hummina.

ahaha i needed a ride home from speech so i hitched a ride with andrew hung's parents & steve chang.. ahaha i didn't even know these guys, but when we got in the car it was soooo funny... the last 15 minutes on the way home, i was giving andrew impromptu topics.. like oranges, streetlights, imagination, parking lots, etc.. omg hilarious... with oranges, he was like "a wise man once said, 'an orange is not an apple'," and for parking lots, he was like... "to put it simply, parking lots are where you park ur car"... ok haha well it was funny.. you had to be there. his mom is vic/liz's piano teacher.

lalala =] i have to wake up early tomorrow for church & then after church i have an interview with corneLL at starbucks.. ohhh myyy, i do NOT like starbucks =X just cuz i don't like coffee.. it's bearable i guess tho... i'll just watch the interview person drink their coffee i guess =] ok, i must konk out.

the last word is... God

2002-01-18T02:53:00.000-08:00

i just woke up after falling asleep around 10:30ish.. cuz i was so tired.. and i had a looong dream and it seemed long cuz i was running away from ppl who were looking for me the whole time.. and when i woke up, i thought it was morning, but it's only 2 something rite now! hehe, & yea... gabe is up... look at this convo... this boy is seiorusly on some CRACKers~

l I l gabe y (2:41:07 AM): MOO SUH WUH
l I l gabe y (2:41:16 AM): hahah im a cow
l I l gabe y (2:41:17 AM): MOOOOO
tia tia star (2:41:23 AM): ahahahaha
l I l gabe y (2:41:33 AM): im not gonna sleep tonite
l I l gabe y (2:44:58 AM): woOOOOOOOOOo000000OooO
l I l gabe y (2:45:07 AM): wanna see somethign cool?
tia tia star (2:45:14 AM): wut
l I l gabe y (2:45:16 AM): SO DO I!
l I l gabe y (2:45:17 AM): hahahaaaaaaaaa
l I l gabe y (2:57:18 AM): i have a secret to tell u
l I l gabe y (2:57:21 AM): this isn't gabe...
l I l gabe y (2:57:22 AM): its gabe
l I l gabe y (2:57:22 AM): hahahaha
tia tia star (2:57:37 AM): AHAHAHA
l I l gabe y (2:57:49 AM): haha u wanna kno a secret?
l I l gabe y (2:58:21 AM): DO YOU!?!?
tia tia star (2:58:44 AM): no
l I l gabe y (2:58:46 AM): SO DO I
tia tia star (2:58:46 AM): haha
l I l gabe y (2:58:48 AM): dANGIT
l I l gabe y (2:58:48 AM): hahaha
tia tia star (2:58:51 AM): AHAHAHAHHAA
l I l gabe y (2:58:54 AM): u ruined the joke!
tia tia star (3:01:49 AM): ok go study
l I l gabe y (3:01:52 AM): nO
l I l gabe y (3:01:56 AM): i have to talk to u
l I l gabe y (3:02:00 AM): about something important
l I l gabe y (3:02:08 AM): the sky is blue
l I l gabe y (3:02:09 AM): hahahahaha
l I l gabe y (3:02:10 AM): ahahahhahaha

2002-01-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

ahahaha omigoshhh it was sooo funny today at school today.. after school, janey is talking to her friend, but i grab her arm and start running. and she's has this look like "wut the wut" on her face. and she's like "wait, where are we going? why are you running so fast?" but i just said "ahhh they're after us!!" and started running faster and dragging her with me. she was panting and reallyyyy tired and i ran her all the way to speech and i started laughing sooo hard. and she was like "omigoshhh i am sooo tired why were we running?" and i was still laughing really hard & i said, "i don't know. i was just kidding" and she diiiiied ahaha... this is what she said "tia!! ahhh i'm gonna get you back for this!! ARGH!!" hehehe. that was indeed the highlight of my day.

ohhhh yea another highlight. mr jamil was tryin to have me practice with mike & euny. and he was telling us that it was cold & that we should go into the sunlight. and he was like "ohh the sun is over there" & pointed towards a bench. and i could NOT help it, so i said "no, mr jamil, i think the sun is over THERE" and i pointed at the sun which was totally in the opposite direction in the sky. and he got soooo red ahaha aww but it was hilarious and he was like "ahaha very funny" you know how he is.. and he was trying not to laugh.. hehehe & after, euny was like omigoshhh how sad!! he was soo embarassed!! hehehe =X but mike was laughing!! and euny, so were youuuu! so THERE! haha (^.^)

2002-01-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

hehe i'm such a dork. logan tourny this saturday & i still need to work MUCHO on my HI. ahhhhhh. and league next saturday. dude, these are my first tournies =X i'm such a slacker... and next week is my ONLY chance to make it to state. lalala.

sighs. i am so human. i hate it.. i'm so impatient and so critical and rar...

i think i become like this when i lose focus.. and really, lately i've been totally losing focus on the only focus i should have.. God. i'm not down or anything, i'm just thinking how bleh of a person i am.. so imperfect. i am sooo not the example to look at if you want to see God's love in a person. not me. but that's wut i want to be.. =]

My hope is in You
show me Your ways
guide me in truth
in all my days
my hope is in You

all the heavens cannot hold YOu, Lord
how much less to dweLL in me?
i can only make my one desire
hoLding on to Thee

don't let me go. hoLd me cLose to where You are.
don't let me go. take my heart, take all of me.

2002-01-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

hehe i went to ccic's star power night today at youth groupie... hehe it was cooL. except omi is a very un-straight walker & neither am i... so two retarded walkers is a very dangerous combo =X haha.. and if there's one thing i can that i learned today, it's this: stay away from boys. jinny made that very clear (^.~) hehe jp. me, char, linshuang, gabby, and dan did an interesting skit.. eliminate a date hahaha.. oh my.. one word to describe the skit: scandalous. enough said hehe. becca brought up a quote that was really neat... "don't go looking for prince charming until you're princess charming".. it sounds kinda corny.. but it's so true.. and jinny was saying how we start to see so many faults in a person once we start to get to know them.. but love is seeing past that.. i know that if i ever get into a relationship, i want God to be in the center of it.. so that everything i do brings Him honor.

i'm kinda sleepy... so i think i shall sleep soon..

stir in me, a fire that the world cannot explain, i've come to worship You.. stir in me, a passion that my heart cannot contain... so hold me, break me, mold me & make me more & more like You.. [i love this song.. & i think that lots of times, God gives us such a purpose for living.. such a passion and fire in our hearts.. that the world just can't understand until they've experienced it for themselves.. and christianity isn't a lil closed group of people who think they have it all made for them & that they're so much better than everyone... we're just living under grace.. we're no different really.. but we're different in this: through our gratitude for what Christ did for us on the cross, we serve God and worship Him.. by doing that, we serve others.. there should be a difference in us in that sense.. but we're still faced with the same problems as everyone else... and the circle of brothers/sisters in christianity is an open circle... so then why do we always hang out together? because we build each other up and encourage one another... the fire & passion we have in our hearts cannot be smouldered... it can't be explained just by words... it goes beyond all feeling, all expression, everything. & i'm so serious.. by reading my journal, if you ever wanta talk it over with me, feel free to im me.. i'm so up for it =] cuz you can have it too.. this is a free gift for all.. the only difference is that some take it, others don't... i don't want to come across as arrogant in any way =X bcuz that's not at all how i feel.. i think being a believer makes you more humble if anything else.. but GOd is my reason for living.. and it's not like in "waiting for godot" where i end up living a meaningless life, waiting for someone who will never come.. trust me, God is there. He's coming. He is here. my faith isn't blind.. in "waiting for godot", pozzo is blind in one scene.. and estragon refers to him as "all humanity".. that's how some of us are.. pozzo couldn't see physically.. estragon & vladimir couldn't "see" in other ways .. having eyes, we don't see.. God is EVERYWHERE. His fingerprints are all over us & all over the earth he created.. and we see God with the eyes of our heart.. that's the best way i can describe it.. if you wanta talk more about it, i'd really love to talk.. the peace God gives me "surpasses all understanding".. He's the reason i live.]

the last word is... wowzers.

2002-01-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

today, i'm just realizing how blessed i really am.
i mean, i complain so much.. about evrything.. but really... i've been extremely fortunate in my life.

i wanta thank all my friends.. friends sweeten life.. even the most bitter lives can be sweetened by friends... i love all of you =*]

last night, i studied physics with becca & i enjoyed it sooo much.. haha not the studying part.. but right around 11:30 at my house, we just talked & she sang songs that she wrote.. i sang songs that i wrote... and wow.. i am such a becca fan hehe.. it was really cool.. & i wasn't even sleepy.. & then she left around 2ish in the morning =] & it's strange.. cuz for her, music came first & then words accompanied the music .. and for me, writing came first.. and then music accompanied the words... we had a really awesome conversation (^.^)

it's really hard for me to always be a light.. and to be patient and totally humble.. cuz i have this huge pride that won't be knocked down... so "here i faLL at Your feet & my heart wiLL lift its cries to be relieved of the things that keep me from You Lord"

& duuude, wut was UP with that fire alarm at school today?! haha.. it went off 4 times? i lost track..

the last word is... music.

2002-01-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

i'm reaLLy enjoying my lil qt's evryday now =] today, i read in eccLesiastes.. & a verse that reaLLy stood out to me was eccLesiastes 7:21-22 "aLso do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. for many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others"... & i think lots of times, i reallyyy take to heart what people say to me.. & i just get so caught up in the "moment" that i don't take the time just to stand back & reflect.. i know that i say things that i don't mean sometimes.. especially when i'm being hasty or if i'm upset... in proverbs, it talks about how fools get easily angered & just blow up.. but the wise are self-controlled.. and they don't take to heart everything people say. i think people can really hurt each other sometimes with words... more than with anything else... & really, we can't let it get to us... after all, it's not their opinion that matters..
another one i really liked was in 7:10 "do not say, 'why were the former days better than these?' for you do not inquire wisely concerning this".. i say & think that sooo much.. like awww good old days... lalala... & i guess that in a way, when i say that, i'm looking at the "closed door" with sorrow for so long that i don't even notice the new door God has opened for me..

rain.

2002-01-07T21:40:00.000-08:00

sometimes a prayer is felt rather than said.. but today, this is my prayer..

rain in my mind.
i thought i put it all in Your hands,
but i guess i really didn't,
maybe i didn't know how.
so rain in me,
cleanse me,
replenish me,
rejuvenate me,
wash away everything
that keeps me from You.
rain in my heart.
may my heart be always
only for You.
if there is anything that divides
my heart with You,
flood my heart..
give me an undivided heart.
so rain in me,
cleanse me,
replenish me,
rejuvenate me,
wash away everything
that keeps me from You.
rain [reign] in my life.
& if i'm not willing,
make me willing.
rain in me.
~tia

2002-01-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

NINERS ARE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS!!! OHHHH BABYYYYY THEY BEAT THE SAINTS 38-0!!!
but i stiLL can't beLieve they lost to the stinkin' cowboys!! ahhhh i like footbaLL ALMOST as much as basebaLL (^.~)

YEAAAAA GO SF 49ERS!! [GO HEARST!]

aLritey, time to get crackin'... i have 10000 hw things due tomorrow. i wish i couLd just stay home =P ohh i wish i was homeschooLed!! haha well maybe not..

the last word is... asdfkjl;D

2002-01-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

the peace never lasts.

sighs. in some ways, i can't wait to leave for college..
then no more of this.

2002-01-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

A7lexis: oh yea. sorry for passing the ball at your head =O
A7lexis: that was bad
A7lexis: yeah, but are you okay? i don't want to be responsible for any short term memory loss =P
tia tia star: ahaha
tia tia star: wut?
tia tia star: u hit me?
A7lexis: hahahah
A7lexis: shooot
tia tia star: you played basketball with us today?
A7lexis: remember? with the ball? haha
A7lexis: wait.. or are you actually having memory loss?
A7lexis: don't do this!!
A7lexis: i am getting nervous
tia tia star: wut does nervous mean again?
A7lexis: stoppppp!! rite now
A7lexis: it means jittery
tia tia star: ahahaha

haha victor hit me in the head with the ball cuz i wasn't paying attention when he passed the ball to me.. ooo good excuse for my sukky shooting today (^.~) hehe yeaaa that was it.. vic hit me in the head so i couldn't shoot =D yeaaaaa. jk hehe.

2002-01-03T22:25:00.000-08:00

awww i watched mOuLin rOuge today with karenberry... awww i like the songs on there...
these are the lyrics to "come what may"~

never knew i couLd feeL like this
like i've never seen the sky b4
i want to vanish inside your kiss
evry day i love more & more
listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
telling me to give you everything
seasons may change, winter to spring
but i love you till the end of time

come what may
come what may
i will love you till my dying day

..suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste..
there's no mountain too high
no river too wide
sing out this song i'll be there by ur side
storm clouds may gather
& stars may collide
but i love you until the end of time

come what may.. come what may...

isn't that so pretty? hehe well.. it sounds all mushy =P n stuff on here, but in the movie, it's soooo cute. i admit, some parts of the movie are really corny but the end is soooo good. haha spectacular Spectacular.. so random (^.^)

& that one spanish story "una semana de siete dias" is really good too.. so sad at the end.. "ahora estoy en el balcon esperando que me venga a buscar mi mama porque se que vendra por mi... nunca me mentia; por eso estoy aqui.. esperandola, aunque ya haya pasado mas de una semana, lo se porque ya se medir el tiempo, y porque mis trajes blanco y azul ya no me sirven"... omg, i would so translate the whole story for anyone who wants to listen.. it's so sad..

oh yea & one last thing.. i am NOT a puppy. rar =P

2002-01-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

wowwwww my first entry for 2oO2 (^.^)

last night, i had an over-the-phOne qt with euny.. the first one for the year!! & it was really cool cuz we didn't even check to see what time it was or nething.. cuz when i have qt's on my own.. i usually end up setting a time limit & i glance at my watch like 285738 times.. but we talked from 11:30 till... 1am? hehe it was awesome.. we read 1peter & listened to music.. it was fun.

yesterday, we had lunch with my aunt connie & watched home alone 2... then i went to my grandma's house & taught my lil cousin [Leslie~age7] how to rollerblade.. & my other lil cousin.. Leslie's lil sister [Alisa~ age 1] was crawling around and stuff.. she's reallyyyy adorable =] so yea, i mostly spent new year's with family & stuff.. haha for new year's eve, it was just me & my mom cuz my dad had to work.. so we watched aladdin, my mom's korean drama =P, and i cut my hair 11:30 at night haha.. well not by myself =] my mom did it.. it was kinda fun.

i'm done with apps once & for all.. but i still have a million hw things to do b4 break is over =P gosh.. neverending work... ok, i'm gonna go eat breakfast/watch tv now (^.~) so byebye.

the last word is... uhhhh.

2001-12-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

ohhhhhh yea... update on tia's favorite bands... i dunno about avalon anymore.. i mean, i like them but i think i like something like silas & lunahalo better now =]

2001-12-29T21:09:00.000-08:00

musings of the day: why do we aLways taLk so kindLy to strangers but taLk so hurtfuLLy to the ones we supposedLy love? & if we're hurting inside, do we reaLLy have to pass the hurt on to another? if anything, we shouLd know wut pain feeLs like & want to keep others from experiencing it.. rite? or is it just me.. & does our moOd aLways have to be the scaLe on which we judge or perceive things? sometimes i just don't understand..

i was kinda hurt when i wrote this =] but i'm fine now..

geez, for the past two days.. i woke up, turned on my computer, and worked on apps.. but i'm not too diligent of a worker cuz i get side-tracked so easily.. haha like rite now.. i'm supposed to be workin on my last college essay =] but uhh yea i waste time hehe.. it was cool, i wore my pajamas for two straight days without changing.. except i felt all icky today so i finally changed.. into new pajamas hehehe (^.^) ok, after i finish my last app and it's ALL DONE and mailed off.. i'll celebrate =D

ohhh & i got my license! =] i barrrrely passed haha. the max points you can miss is 15.. i missed 15. but i can't really drive alone yet.. cuz i "need more practice" =P on the way to the dmv, i almost got into an accident =X haha so yea.. more practice... but it was a nice christmas eve gift =] the lady evaluating me was wearing a santa hat and she had globs of make up that clumped around her eyes.. it was great (^.~)

the last word is... retainers. hehe cuz i'm wearing mine rite now.. for the first time since forever.. and my teeth hardly fit it =X but now it's ok.. phew.. i need to schedule an orthodontist appointment.. i haven't seen him since... beginning of junior year.. eeeeek =X hehehe.